Interview with Tater Happy, Part Deux

My friend Curt, The Happy Husband, was kind enough to grant me an interview with his son, Tater. Though an infant, Tater possesses the uncanny ability to convey his thoughts to his father with a surprising level of eloquence. The first part may be found over at Curt's site, and the conclusion follows below:


Your father describes himself as a "geek by association"; how would you describe him, and where would you place yourself in society?

I do not fully understand the labels grownups assign to one another, but I have met a few people Daddy refers to as "geek friends." If these people are geeks, then—with all due respect to my esteemed interviewer—Daddy is at most a surface geek. I have seen in him no evidence of a deep-seated drive for obscure knowledge, at least not the same sort of obscure knowledge as his friends. As for myself, I do not conform to any definition of the word "geek." Never have I read a single comic book, nor have I seen even one science fiction movie or anime cartoon. Furthermore, complete strangers—including beautiful women—often approach me, smile, speak to me, and tell everyone within earshot how attractive I am. If you must label me, call me a "baby."


With a nod to Joss Whedon, who do you think would win: astronauts or cavemen?

In zero gravity, astronauts win. In full gravity, cavemen win, but only if the astronauts have no projectile weapons. More ifs occur to me now: historical era of the battle, numbers of each group, presence of reptilian wildlife, proximity to water, prevalence of wing-flapping Brazilian butterflies...the sheer profusion of factors prevents any sort of accurate prediction...but cavemen.


Describe your perfect cartoon.

To be successful, a cartoon must communicate the idea of a thing without actually imitating it. The more realistic a cartoon grows, the less it communicates and the more it insults the bit of human intellect that draws deep meaning from the abstract. This is all academic, of course, as I am not yet allowed to watch TV.


Do you have a favorite artist?

I enjoy the drawings of Dr. Suess immensely, and his stories as well. He has one about a small egg abandoned by its lazy bird mother and thereafter protected by an elephant. It would be to my shame were I to disclose the ending, but suffice it to say external forces do not control one's destiny.


Our generation was raised on science fiction depicting the years after 2000 rich with flying cars, robots, and other technological advancements. While we're not quite the futuristic society imagined over the past few decades, we have made some advances. There are things we won't see in our lifetime, that you have a better chance of encountering. What advancements or cures do you anticipate?

Daddy has regaled me with some horrific tales of technology gone amuck. As I have stated, I am uncomfortable predicting the future, but if I ever meet an army of superhuman drones who look exactly like me, kill without remorse, and follow orders issued by a criminal mastermind from the recesses of a shadow government, I will know that every member of that army is both a spiritual and natural abomination grown from stem cells in the cord blood my parents donated at the time of my birth, and that the responsibility—perhaps the sole ability—of killing them all will be mine alone.


Unlike the Quizno's baby and the dancing baby from Ally McBeal, you've thus far avoided the spotlight, appearing only a few times on your father's web site to share thoughts from inside the womb as well as after you were born. Does celebrity have a price? What advice would you offer other young stars to avoid becoming the next Corey Feldman?

If celebrity has a price, I have not paid it. The question arises, however, whether an anonymous baby can actually achieve an irksome level of fame. Could I conceivably be hounded by media, paparazzi, and stalkers who do not even know my real name? I think that as long as on-air personalities find discomfort in the idea of speaking the word "Tater" in the course of their daily ramblings, I'm safe. I suppose, then, that I would advise other young stars to protect their anonymity if they value sanity.


Forgive me for getting political, but which stuffed animal, puppet or mascot would you endorse as president of children's television? Yes, people like Levar Burton may also be considered.

As I mentioned before, I am not allowed to watch television and therefore cannot make an informed appointment for such a high office. However, I have a little rattle shaped like a crab that brings me a great deal of joy. I think he might do a fantastic job were he put in charge of entertaining children. In any case, I wish only good things for him.


"Ring Around the Rosie"—macabre rhyme or fun ditty marred by an urban legend?

Daddy read me the rhyme and omitted the urban legend. Armed with only the information provided by the ditty itself, I would describe it as more nonsensical than macabre. Daddy once sang me a lullaby called "Rock-a-bye Baby" that unnerved me slightly. Now when he offers that particular ditty, he alters the last line to "And Daddy will catch you, cradle and all."


God has given you many gifts, not the least of which is life. What do you think is the best thing you can do with this gift?

I fear I do not have the necessary knowledge or experience to provide an intelligent answer to such a question. I suppose, though, that I must always keep in mind the nature of this gift of life. No recipient is worthy of a gift, else it is not really a gift but a reward, and the bestowal of a gift requires nothing in return either in the form of thanks or compensation. I feel a moral responsibility, however, to treat my gifts with gratitude. Therefore I intend to live my life fully, to grow in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and men, and when I have reached my full stature to continue to live in a manner deserving of the gift so that when the end comes, the giver may say to me, "Well done."

Before we part, I must remark that you require much of one so young. I say this as a fact, not a complaint. In truth, I appreciate a mental challenge to break the pattern of physical difficulties I must work through every day. Between locating my fingers, grasping my crabby rattle, and not scratching myself in the eye, I enjoy a periodic tangent of philosophy. Thank you for taking time for this interview.