Under Different Direction

I watched Watership Down this weekend, a beautifully animated classic from the late ‘70s that, had I seen it when it came out and I was four years old, probably would have traumatized me for life. Having never read the novel, I had only a vague notion of the story, only that it had to do with rabbits and possibly some political allegory. About five minutes in, when one of the rabbits has a vision of a field covered in blood, I knew it wasn't going to be a cute ”Look, bunnies!” story. In fact, it may be the bloodiest cartoon I've ever seen. Granted, I've watched Japanese animation in which people's limbs are torn off or bombs decimate crowds, but you don't often see realistic paintings of cute animals suffer devastating wounds. Thankfully, it's not something I've become desensitized to, and it helps that the perils these rabbits face are not exaggerated or supernatural. Snares exist. Farmers with shotguns exist. Predators exist. Even the most horrific death in Bambi happened off screen.

Watership Down is a moving tale of courage and survival, as a small group of rabbits leave a doomed warren in search of a new home. There are challenges along the way and the tension is high. The outcome is never certain, and I won't spoil it here, only recommend it to viewers over the age of 17. But it did get me thinking about the line between animation geared toward adults and cartoons aimed at children. What might some childhood favorites be like under different direction?

If Robert Rodriguez directed the aforementioned Bambi, you can bet that the forest would have run red with the blood of his mother's killer, who probably would have been drawn a lot like Danny Trejo. I imagine Thumper would sound a lot like Cheech Marin.

Quentin Tarantino's Snow White and the Seven Dwarves would open with the dwarves sitting around a pub drinking from shot glasses and debating whether or not to tip their serving wench. There would be fast talking and a lot of obscure ‘70s movie references. Snow White would be pretty self-sufficient though, sporting a yellow track suit and displaying her martial arts prowess as the cartoon occasionally shifted to black-and-white to get all the blood past the ratings board. The film's chronology would jump around a lot, Dopey would turn out to be working undercover, a knight would lose an ear, and Samuel L. Jackson would lose his **** more than once. “I am TIRED, of these *****-******* DWARVES, on this *****-******* CARRIAGE! Yes they deserve to DIE, and I hope they burn in HELL!” The movie would be released on DVD one-seventh of the film at a time, followed by a boxed set of all seven chapters with bonus features not available on any of the individual discs.

Wes Craven would inject new terror into a feature-length adaptation of Muppet Babies. Not only would Nanny have claws, but the babies would find that once they wandered into their imaginations, getting out wouldn't be so easy...

If legendary Italian horror and suspense master Dario Argento got his hands on Pinocchio, you can bet there would be at least one cringe-worthy scene from the point of view of a character losing an eye when it gets impaled on the extended proboscis of the lying protagonist. Look for a lot of rain, a lot of chases down dark alleyways, a lot of subtitles, and a lot of Italian rock songs. Depending on which decade this hypothetical film is made, you might even see a lot of Dario's daughter Asia. It won’t always make sense, but it will be consistently artistic.

Finally, what would David Cronenberg have done with The Little Mermaid? She'd probably suffer at least one graphic injury biting down on a fish hook, but she'd ultimately prevail against her nemesis, whose head would explode. The real horror would be seeing far too much flesh on an animated James Woods....

There are so many possibilities...James Wan and Leigh Whannell's Toy Story...Eli Roth's Babe...Rob Zombie's Dumbo...and so many more. Ultimately, this exercise has made me appreciate that the line between cartoons and animation—between horror and fantasy—doesn't blur that often.