I like watching MOVIES!

I hate this time of year. It's cold and dark, and I'm tired and irritable. I nap frequently, and my head and joints take turns aching. It's a good time to get away from myself and focus on my impossible quest of seeing every single movie ever made. Yesterday I asked readers to guess the last ten movies I've seen, based solely on keywords. Today I'll reveal those films, and share my impressions.

1) The Last American Virgin:
At first glance, it's your typical ‘80s teen sex comedy, clearly an ancestor of the American Pie series. It has nerds, angst, and of course gratuitous nudity. It also has a nostalgic soundtrack apparently comprised of every song that was popular when it was released, from artists such as Devo, Blondie, U2, REO Speedwagon and more. Each song was perfectly chosen and placed to complement each story element of the film. I found ”Just Once” by Quincy Jones particularly heartbreaking. Heartbreak? In a comedy? Indeed. The strange thing is, as the plot unfolds, it becomes less of a fantasy and more painfully real. It shows that the actions of carefree, hormonal teenagers have consequences, and people don't always make the right decisions. If you've ever thought that girls always go for jerks, had a dream deflate, or felt the sting of unrequited love, this film may pain you. I wonder if I would have considered the ending a twist had I seen it when I was a teenager. I saw a few things coming and hoped I was wrong. Even when things played out as expected, I felt like I'd been slapped in the face. Historically, it's an important movie to see and I'm glad I did. Emotionally, I think I can add it to the list of movies I can only see once.
Keywords: Betrayal; Unrequited love; Pizza Delivery; Cult Favorite; Teen Sex Comedy.

2) Midnight Madness:
Here's the flipside of the ‘80s, a happier formulaic piece of cheese in which stereotypical groups of college kids compete with each other in an all night scavenger hunt. This along with the previous film were recently recommended to me by friends, and I can't believe I'd never seen either. Parts of Midnight Madness seemed familiar, and I don't know if I had seen some of it on television at some point or if it bore a resemblance to similar movies. Each group wears convenient team colors, from the jocks to the nerds to the sorority girls to the jerks to the nice middle-ground group you root for. Led by David “American Werewolf”/”I'm a Pepper!” Naughton, the ensemble includes early appearances of Michael J. Fox, who looks exactly the same but much shorter, and Paul Reubens, who simply looks the same. It's corny, defies logic, oozes with puns and slapstick, includes fat giggling twins, and somehow has an old charm that makes it difficult to dislike.
Time for Title; Melon; Scavenger Hunt; Identical Twins; Miniature Golf.

3) Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid:
This is just a brilliant concept, the brain child of star Steve Martin and director Carl Reiner. It spoofs black-and-white film noir with Martin playing a straight-laced private investigator. Rather than rely on a send-up of the old clichés, they edited in a plethora of stock footage from actual old movies in the genre, choosing generic scenes in such a way that Martin appears to interact and converse with Bogart, Grant, Price, Bergman, Davis and many, many more. Combining old scenes with new ones in humorous ways, they managed to craft a new story. It's clever, and I'm surprised it hasn't been done more often.
Parody; Pastiche; Private Detective; Stock Footage; Title Spoken By Character.

4) The Man with One Red Shoe:
This is your standard ‘80s comedy, the kind of role Tom Hanks was known for before evolving into the Actor he is today. His resume might be more impressive now, but it was an entertaining rental. A violin player is mistaken for a spy; hilarity and Dabney Coleman ensue. Jim Belushi also ensues, but I wouldn't feel right putting his name in the same sentence as “hilarity”, even if I just did anyway. Look for Carrie Fisher attempting to avoid being typecast as a space princess by playing a different role, 20 years before appearing on 30 Rock and ultimately quoting the only role she'll really be remembered for. Also of note is Lori Singer and her impressively low cut dress. Otherwise, it's a forgettable rental for when nothing else is on.
Danger; Violin; Mistaken Identity; Shoe; Remake.

5) Scarface:
I only saw the 1983 Pacino version a few years ago, so it shouldn't surprise anyone to find out last week was the first time I saw the 1932 black-and-white original. It's the essential gangster flick, complete with tommy guns, pretty dames, and fast-talking thugs. I'm not sure if people talked that fast in the ‘30s or if they were doing it to save film, but at times I had trouble keeping up with the dialogue. The basic storyline is the same as the remake, with the nationality of the rising gangster originally Italian. It was interesting to see which thematic elements were kept, and which were greatly expanded upon.
Gangster Film; Brother Sister Relationship; St. Valentine's Day Massacre; Bootlegging; Based On Novel.

6) The Tuxedo:
It's not Jackie Chan's worst movie; it's just not his best. It's yet another case of Mistaken Identity(™ & © 1980s), this time an ordinary driver playing the role of a secret agent. Jackie isn't playing his usual martial arts master, but instead relies on a high tech spy tuxedo that grants him fighting prowess. The film might have been marginally better if it focused more on that aspect and less on the “chemistry” between Chan and Jennifer Love Hewitt. All due respect to Mr. Chan, but his strengths lie in reflexes and physical coordination, not witty banter. It might be Hewitt as his foil, as Chris Tucker plays off Jackie's monotone with expert timing in the Rush Hour series. There, it's more about cultural differences and the animated reactions of Tucker to Chan. I can suspend disbelief about the suit, but not that Hewitt believes Chan is the spy he's impersonating. It was entertaining as a rental and not as bad as I was expecting, but I'm glad I missed this one in theaters. So, which movie was Jackie's worst? I'll have to think about that question...
Spy Spoof; Chauffeur; Insect; Concert Scene; Dehydration.

7) Accepted:
This is the modern incarnation of those late 70s and early 80s college movies, and while it's 90% funny, there is story and heart at the core of it. Suspend disbelief as kids would never be able to pass an abandoned building off as the campus of a fictitious university. Once you get past that, it's a fun ride. Justin Long continues a solid trend of good movies, and seems to be the heir to the throne of our ‘80s favorites. This kid will be the next John Cusack yet...
College Kid; Renovation; College Campus; Rejection; Hearing.

8) 16 Blocks:
Bruce Willis is a cop, not the indestructible super cop we've seen him play so many times before, but a broken, aging cop drowning his sorrows in alcohol. Mos Def is a rapper with serious acting ability, and here plays a witness about to testify against some dirty cops. All Willis has to do is transfer him 16 blocks to a courthouse, but that won't be easy when everyone is gunning for them. All Def wants to do is survive, because he genuinely believes people can change and dreams of becoming a baker. It's a tense thriller with a lot of great emotion, and some unique cinematographic choices with gun physics.
Shot In The Hand; Rogue Cop; Bakery; New York Skyline; Prisoner Transport.

9) Firewall:
Meanwhile, Harrison Ford plays the same role we've seen in a thousand other movies, many of which starred Ford. Can he outwit bank robbers and save his family? Is it an important plot point that kidnappers take the little family dog too? Why is Chloe his secretary; is she undercover for CTU? “Open a port” is to the thriller what “reverse polarity” is to science fiction, and I could care less. I've seen versions of this story before, which may have made it predictable, but I think it was just a poor execution. I hope Ford does better with Crystal Skull, because he's still one of my favorite actors, and the only movie of his that was almost as bad as Firewall was Hollywood Homicide. Otherwise, he's had a good run...
Cellular Phone; Banker; Home Invasion; Dog; Video Surveillance.

10) The Mothman Prophecies:
I can't say I've ever been much of a Richard Gere fan; he just has one of those faces that bother me, like his eyes have too much pupil or something. I couldn't explain it. Maybe it's just that I perceived him as a “chick flick” leading man, and there are thousands of movies I'll rent before Dr. T and the Women. In any case, I put off Mothman for a while even though it looked exactly like my kind of movie, dark and potentially supernatural. When I did finally get to it, I found an intriguing story based apparently on actual events. Much like an X-files episode, the supernatural events are left in question and though the story has an ending, questions are left unanswered. When people start having visions of a creepy winged being, and the creepy things it tells them starts coming true, is it delusions or something more? It has a nice atmosphere, and I liked it as much as another Gere movie that came out the same year, Unfaithful. In both instances his character surprised me, so maybe there are other good movies I'm missing out on due to my aversion to this actor.
Bridge Collapse; Based On Supposedly True Story; Tumor; Paranormal; Widower.

Well, I'm off to more movies, starting with Knocked Up. After a while, cinephiles!