T.I.L.T. Things I've Learned Thursday MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

OMG CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS MY 34,000rd Things I've Learned Thursday?!! WTF?!! Let's get down to KNOWLEDGE, because knowing is one to grow the more you know on, which is of course half the battle:

* The so-called ”Five Second Rule” is complete and utter garbage! I eat off tables and floors on a regular basis with no ill effects. In fact, it's a little known secret that you get more unique flavor blends by doing so.

* Granny-panties are far more comfortable and less restricting than boxers or briefs.

* I stopped going over 30 MPH in my car years ago; it was the best way to stop getting speeding tickets on a regular basis.

* An icicle is the perfect murder weapon, because when it melts there will be neither weapon nor fingerprints left to identify you as the killer.

* If you know how to Google™ and crop photos, you can create the illusion of being a photographer without ever leaving your parents' basement.

* Jorge Garcia is sexier than Evangeline Lilly because he has bigger breasts. Seriously, no contest.

* I believe that paper is the best investment, because once people get tired of computers and digital readers, books will become more popular in the same nostalgic way that vinyl records are back on shelves. So gather as much paper as you can, any time you can, and stockpile it in your basement, because it will be worth a fortune. It's what I've been doing, and it's already shown returns in absorbing some of the rain water that leaked in.

* Trying will almost always lead to success: I've sent in an audition tape, and as a result got an offer to play Bucky in the upcoming Captain America movie. I'll be filming my scenes later in the year, well after I've concluded this blog.

* You know those stupid legally-required tags on costume capes that say “DOES NOT ALLOW THE WEARER TO FLY” or some variation of that warning? Bullsh*t. I've had some success in staying aloft for a few seconds when leaping from trees, and I'll be working my way up to parking garages and bridges next.

* I was wrong when I said Quasar could defeat Green Lantern. Also, Gobots were clearly superior to The Transformers.

* If your 2,000th consecutive post falls a few days before April Fool's Day, you can't post a photo of one of your friends in the hope that people will think it's really you. That would be a terribly, terribly unfair prank. On April 1st, a day on which people know they can't trust you, it would be understandable, but any other day you'd be obligated to show the real deal.