T.I.L.T. Things I've Learned Thursday VII

I'm not quite done learning yet, though I'm not sure how much educating Things I've Learned Thursday accomplishes:

* The Long Island laws of traffic state that if an Italian feast should fall on a weekday, even if you're on the road an hour before commuting time you'll still encounter horrible, horrible traffic and merging three exits from your destination that still makes you late for your gig.

* Powerade from a spigot in a White Castle is surprisingly like the stuff in bottles, nigh identical.

* When parading through the streets of Brooklyn for several uninterrupted hours, you might be inclined to decline beverages along the way as there are no bathroom breaks. When the temperature exceeds 90 degrees and there isn't a cloud in the sky however, drink freely and frequently. You'll feel a lot better and be surprised that after five bottles of water in a four hour span, there's no urgency.

* The Long Island laws of traffic also state that if an Italian feast should fall on a weekday, even if you're on the road after lunch time but several hours prior to the end of the work day, there will still be a ton of traffic. Don't people work anymore?

* When watching The Onion Movie, exercise extreme caution. Of all the risqué language and vulgar skits in the film, the odds are dangerously high that one's mother will walk through the film during a mock advertisement for a gay cruiseliner.

* I am so George Costanza.

* Always write down messages people leave on your parents' answering machine. You never know when they'll overwrite something important like a phone number.

* Guys like Pacino and De Niro are great performers whose work I enjoy, but I think what they do is very specific and more and more play the same type of characters. Nicholson falls somewhat in the same category. Johnny Depp, Gary Oldman, and Daniel Day-Lewis however are frakking chameleons in their acting and have a remarkable range. I finally caught Lewis' award-winning performance in There Will Be Blood, and it was amazing. He almost single-handedly carries nearly three hours with one of the most brutal and complex characters to grace the screen.

* Previews for Disaster Movie have me convinced that a lot of these low-budget spoof “Movie” movies are now being shot concurrently with the mainstream films they parody. One of these days a spoof is going to be released before the real movie. It reminds me of the whole “When will then be now?” VHS gag from Spaceballs and makes me sad that Mel Brooks hasn't directed a movie in like 13 years.

* THERE'S A SPACEBALLS ANIMATED SERIES! I literally just learned this! Apparently the show has already aired in Canada but keeps getting delayed here.

* Don Rickles is still alive and still performing, at least according to a billboard in New Jersey I saw coming back from a gig over the weekend. Listen for him to appear in Toy Story 3 as well.

* I can't fly unassisted...yet.

* I exist in the same physical reality as the rest of the world, but my own mental reality, as we all do. Be afraid.

* If you leave your jeans lying on the floor when you come home from work, you risk stepping on the pointy part of the belt and getting a nice hole in your heel. If you immediately soak your foot in cold water then apply a bandage, a few days later you'll have a dark red spot where the hole used to be. Time may or may not yield more lessons from future observations.