Roll over, Whorenelli

Changing jobs involves a lot more than learning new systems and procedures. I spent at least half of my first day going over mountains of forms with human resources, everything from medical and dental benefits to emergency contacts to what kind of car I’d be parking in their lot each day. There’s a lot to consider and keep track of, but by staying organized and tackling one item at a time, I eventually got my new life in order.

I was pleased to learn that my new company not only offered a 401K plan, but that they used the same provider as my previous employers. Of all the challenges I faced, I figured rolling my funds over into the new plan would be the easiest, likely accomplished with a few clicks of a mouse. The process was a bit more complicated than that, and despite using the same plan provider, I still had to request a check for my assets, to then resubmit with more paperwork detailing what percentage of my savings I wished to allocate to the various new funds.

After speaking with a representative about distribution options, I discovered that I had to wait a few weeks before my old plan officially closed. I exchanged contact information, and was told to call if I didn’t hear back from them. Efficient and reliable, the representative got back to me this week.

“Hello, Mr. Whorenelli? This is So-and-so from Such-and-Such, Inc. We spoke a few weeks ago about your plan, and now we’re ready to proceed. Before we begin, I’ll need you to speak your full name and address for our records.”

“Michael. Wayvid. Whorenelli.”

After a pause during which I considered closing the door to my office in case I was asked to provide sensitive information like my social security or account numbers, he reminded me that I still needed to provide my address. After that, it got interesting.

“OK sir, now we’ll just need to verify your identity with a series of questions automatically generated by public records. Your answers will determine whether or not you are who you say you are.”

It didn’t seem like an intimidating challenge, and I fully expected to be asked typical questions and provide answers such as my mother’s maiden name or the year I was born.

“Which of the following vehicles have you owned or leased in your life?”

He proceeded to list four random cars and years, none of which I’d ever driven. There was a fifth “none of the above” option fortunately, so I didn’t need to call a lifeline or ask the studio audience for help.

“Which of the following months was Roxanne Whorenelli born: August, February, December, Tuesday, or you’ve never met or been associated with this person?”

“I...I have an Aunt Rose. Do you mean my Aunt Rosie?”

“It says Roxanne, sir.”

“Uh...the last one then.”

“Which of the following vehicles have you owned or leased in your life?”

He proceeded to list another four cars, none of which were mine. One could have been my dad’s car, but I wasn’t sure whether he had a 2002 or a 2004 model. Being a junior, it was entirely possible my name had brought up some of my dad’s records. Once again I chose “none of the above”.

”All righty then sir, I’m processing your results now aaaaand.....based on the answers you provided, you are not Michael Whorenelli.”

“You know, I think one of the cars you mentioned was my dad’s. I have the same name as him; could you be looking at his records?”

“It says ‘owned or leased’. My computer is generating some more questions to verify your identity. OK, here we go: Which of the following vehicles have you owned or leased in your life?”

It had to be a joke. There had to be cameras hidden in my office, or the call was being recorded for more than just quality control. After another four vehicles, one of which might have been my mom’s car, I asked the guy if it would just be easier if I told him what I drove. It didn’t work that way unfortunately, and I had to answer the questions his system generated.

”Which of the following states has Juh...rehd...J-A-R-E-D....Whorenelli resided in: Ohio, Chicago, Florida, Confusion, or you don’t know this person?”

“Who the heck is Jared?! I’m not sure those are even all states! I tell you I don’t know the man!”

“Fair enough, sir. Which of the following street addresses in Manhattan have you resided at?”

Though I’ve lived at the same address for nearly 33 years now, I let him go through all the city streets before denying them all. I’ve never been through so intricate a series of trick questions, and I didn’t know if they were intentionally tricky or if they were generated from public records of every person on the planet sharing my last name. The system lacked some imagination, as the next three questions were the car ones again. One set included my dad’s old car which I drove in college and a few years beyond, but never owned. The final set included the one and only vehicle that was ever mine, and I didn’t even let him finish.

”Yeah, that’s it! The first one! You finally got it. That’s my whip!”

“Oh...OK sir, let me just input that and...congratulations! You are Whorenelli! Would you like to discuss the plan options I sent you?”

I guess it’s good that their security is so good. It’s a lot of money, and I wouldn’t want someone else calling up using my name, requesting a check, and having it mailed to my home address. Who knows what sort of chaos an imposter could create by rolling my funds over in my name to my new job’s plan? The conversation to prove I was me took longer than the subsequent details about my next step. It will be nearly another two weeks before I receive my check, though it may take less. I declined the option of spending $25 to have it delivered sooner. With my luck, they’ll probably send it to another “Mike Whorenelli” or worse, previously unknown relatives like Roxanne or Jared...