Rey's College Observations

My massive sorting of papers this weekend uncovered a lot of garbage I never should have been saving, but there were a few forgotten treasures as well. Back in college, my buddy Rey once compiled a list of 120 random observations. I'm not sure how the process worked, if he jotted things down in his sketchbook or a notebook and later typed it up, or if he typed it from memory one bored evening. Back then, the internet barely resembled what we surf on today, so in lieu of a blog, people would keep actual journals or type up random things. Years later when we were working for the same company, he came across this classic while cleaning, and passed it on to me. It was a fun trip down memory lane, seeing which observations I shared, and how some of his predictions turned out. After one marriage, three kids, and three moves, I'm sure he's thrown a lot of stuff out. After living at home for 32 years, I've thrown very little out.

I found his list again while cleaning this weekend, and it definitely went on the pile of things I saved. I'm thinking I may compile a similar list about my current experiences later this week, things that occur to me at lunch or during my new commute, as I adapt to my new routine. Meanwhile, as a prelude, I'm going to share my friend's old list, with minor edits to protect people's identities and remove things I think he'd object to having publicized. Here are some things Rey noticed 15 years ago:

Rey's College Observations:
“A Whole Lot of Happy Looking Things.”

1. Woman by elevator. Pressing button. I already pressed it Ho; why would I be waiting here?

2. Ragweed (n) [rahg•wid]: The rose of the Devil.

3. Kurt Cobain was stupid, but damn could he invent music.

4. Man, Movie Soundtrack(class) is cool. Casablanca rocked.

5. This class is a good class, but 20 minutes is way too long to wait for the professor.

6. How everyone stares at you when you're the first to leave. Like lambs looking at a shepherd...mindless.

7. Why do so many women look beautiful in the ‘90s? I see pictures of women back then and only a few of them stand out. Nowadays, I snap my neck looking around so much.

8. Descending the stairs into the lower levels where hardly anyone goes.

9. Bumping into someone you once knew...can't seem to remember their name, yet they know mine.

10. Say goodbye to the same person. Fake their name by turning away with a barely audible grunt... “See you, Rua;anw!”(Ravindra?)

11. Who plants Ragweed? The crap grows everywhere. No matter how many times you pluck it out...it grows right back.

12. [Attractive Female Classmate] is like the Goddess Aphrodite incarnate. And I mean in the flesh. YUMMY!

13. How non-Art Majors look at us Art Majors. We become the equivalent of feces in the toilet when one stares down as it's being flushed.

14. How a person can have so many things going for them, yet one thing wrong can throw them off.

15. Men's fascination with breasts. After all, they're just oversized sweat glands (don't let me lie...they are pretty good-looking sweat glands).

16. The walls down here need some illustrations.

17. How one eyelid closes by itself when you're sleepy.

18. Why do jerks bob their doglike heads in front of you when they see you are falling asleep and ask the same question? “Are you going to sleep? Huh?”

19. My pure abortion of Ragweed and my asthmatic protests to its evil existence.

20. Why do people say “Get better!” as if you had a power over “getting better”? If I had that power I wouldn't be sick in the first place, bastards.

21. The warm embrace of sleep stealing over someone.

22. The [our University's sports brand] sneakers are really ugly.

23. People look more mature wearing ties. Or is that just a fallacy of our society?

24. Sculptures tend to stare at everything with a blind look.

25. Hunger in one's stomach doesn't mean one is hungry in their soul.

26. They should make wireless headphones. These chumpies are annoying.

27. Rechargeable batteries eventually die out.

28. Why do they put a date on sour cream or yogurt? Isn't it too late?

29. Soap is fat or scented lard. Why do we use it to clean our bodies?

30. Everyone doing the elevator dance. Look to the lights then to the floor...back again.

31. Why does Rob think that [Attractive Young Female Professor #1] looks better than the (Goddess) [Attractive Young Female Professor #2]?

32. Some professors can't shut up, and boy do they love tangents.

33. Some people do the same thing. Get to the point; don't give me all this extra crap!

34. Some people are naturally funny. God gives them a face that even a mother would laugh at.

35. People using the word “Basically” and then going into a long, drawn-out explanation. If that's the case, one should use the word “Complicatedly”.

36. People begging for money, yet wearing a pair of Nikes.

37. Why would one say that they own a cassette that's not released? If you own it, it's out there; it's released.

38. British people when they sing sound so American.

39. All learning documentaries have a British voiceover; why is that?

40. Bob Dylan is annoying.

41. People hate when you insert your finger into their ear. Not that I would do that.

42. The Wu Tang are modern day poets.

43. Why did MC Hammer come out with a new album?

44. Why can't Marvel Comics make a good movie?(Clearly, Stan and Avi had a copy of this list as well, 15 years ago, and they took it as a challenge...)

45. What the hell happened to
Alien3? It SUCKED!

46. The fact that everyone is getting taller except me and [MCF].

47. It was a sad day when Archie Bunker's show ”All in the Family” got canceled.

48. Not being racist, but why are so many Indian men taxi drivers?

49. What the hell does our tuition pay for?

50. Does it pay for the food on campus? Why do we then have to pay for it again?

51. If we pay for intramurals (the weight room, Taekwondo, Fencing, the Gym), this is the most expensive Jack La Lanne.

52. If we pay for the buildings, shouldn't we have our names on them like Newman, Perboyre, Fromkes, Reynoso? (Whorenelli?)

53. If we pay for the basketball team's tuition, I'd rather switch it. They suck. I would rather transfer my money to [rival school] or [another rival school]...at least they play better.

54. If we pay for the library, I should be able to keep the books.

55. If we pay for the computers in the microlabs, I should be able to take them home.

56. It doesn't pay for parking, because we gotta register with 20 bucks.

57. (Rey didn't have a #57)

58. If the tuition pays for the professor's salary, I should be able to fire whoever I damn well please.

59. Why do we have to pay ten bucks to take something home that [our University] is throwing away?

60. Ragweed is the bouquet of whores. (I'm not sure, but I'm starting to think he didn't like Ragweed...)

61. Why the hell is Rob so superficial? Move on, big guy.

62. Why do people speak of their girlfriends, yet we never get to see them?

63. [Another Attractive Female Classmate] has to be the most beautiful woman...move over [Aforementioned Attractive Female Classmate]/Aphrodite/Venus.

64. All 11-24 year old males are horny.

65. The girl in Contempo was gorgeous! She was so beautiful that even if she was just a floating head(no body, just a head), she would still be drop dead gorGEOUS!!!!

66. Men shouldn't wear sweat pants because of sudden rushes of blood...know what I mean?

67. Who is MacClean and why do all of the maintenance crew on [our University] wear his shirt?

68. Why do Spanish people have flavor in their food and _______ people don't? Do _______ people have something against taste?

69. [MCF] knows too much about comics. We have to get him out more.

70. Why do some numbers have sexual connotations (eg. 69)?

71. Who decided that the middle finger should be a curse? Was it a caveman thing in the prehistoric days?

72. How a woman's eyes could draw you in like some sort of magnet...

73. The evil, the complete evil, of morning classes.

74. The evil of the dentist I have to meet after this class.

75. It's not really your mouth they hurt, it's your damn wallet.

76. What should be a curse word: “ROOT CANAL”.

77. Dry land—University's Spiritual life. (I can't make sense of this one...)

78. Presumed intelligence in those who wear suits. Almost as if the reason you pay so much for them is that they make you look smarter. The smarter you look, the more expensive the suit.

79. Example: Dan Quayle looks smart.

80. Changing face of a cloak and changing face of man.

81. Stupidity of others thinking that ties make one more respectable and presentable. A tie is but part of a hanging noose—but decorated.

82. Air conditioning when it is cold and rainy is not a happy thing.

83. Only when you are cold, do you start appreciating what is heat.

84. Will this light ever change? It's been red for about twenty minutes already.

85. Shaved legs look a whole lot better than hairy legs(on a woman that is; on a guy it would look kind of queer).

86. Unpredictability of temperature.

87. Why do so many trumpet players have big cheeks? They could have controlled that when they were younger. Did they think it was an attractive thing?

88. Cold is based on an area. In a 90 degree area, 70 degrees is considered chilly.

89. “Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean I'm not following you.” Nirvana, Nevermind.

90. Legs when tired can feel numb or it can hurt like hell.

91. “Only in America do we have film composers; everywhere else it's composers who write for film.”—Bernard Hermann.

92. Imagine the reason why Hitler killed the Jews is because some defender of the Jews from the future threatened him in the past? Cool story line.

93. New York is being closed off. Traffic, mail, and busy signals on the phone are all signs of it. We're completely oblivious to it.

94. “Learn English.” Why? I thought we were American. We fight a war to get out of English rule, but we subject ourselves to all of her laws.

95. People are gullible. Kids are pretty dumb too, but not as dumb as adults.

96. The future is heavy laden with fat people, sitting at home experiencing life through video games. (One of the scariest predictions on this list; did he foresee me playing Escape-the-Room style games now?)

97. What's in that box? Why does he have that on the train?

98. The dastardly and elusive Scarlet Pimpernel.

99. On Off On: The Binary number system may be good for computers, but it sucks for humans.

100. Never pass a bus with flashing red lights. Not only $175, but 5 points on your license.

101. Boredom is a powerdrill going deeper into the recesses of one's enfeebled mind.

102. Tangents are those evil sidenotes which appear in conversations of people who like to listen to their own voices. “Blah, Blah Blah which reminds me of more Blah, Blah, Blah.” (I just had a surge of self-consciousness...)

103. Do I want to see your chest, man? No! Button up for Goodness Sake. (I think this one actually is referring to someone else, not me.)

104. Professors are the dentists of words; they bore you to death.

105. Hand motions as a form of primitive communication. Once more proving evolution wrong...we should be above that stage of communication if evolution was true.

106. Monotony should be as much a deadly sin as gluttony and lust. The eight deadly sings. It should be represented by a four-eyed professor.

107. Garbage as a gift. Smile and be happy as you give away the trash others give to you.

108. Support Recycling...Keep stuff in use.

109. Some buttons have two holes, others have four, and yet others have three.

110. Does God speak another form of English? Using “thou” instead of “you” and “thither” instead of “there”?

111. Long bony fingers can be threatening when they are moving in front of your face.

112. The chair in a class room as a personal prison: the worst part is you're paying to be there.

113. The masochism of society: school work, pollution, and politicians.

114. Something about nurses makes my temperature rise.

115. A beard as a station of wisdom and vivacity.

116. Green Knight's hair long like a cloak.

117. Crutches as extra legs; you don't go faster but slower.

118. Green Day and Silverchair suck...but at least Green Day is original, not like Silverchair who sound just like Pearl Jam.

119. It's not good when you're a carbon copy; Xerox machines serve that person.

120. I love the guitar and those poseurs who only play power chords are an abomination to the beauty that is the instrument.