I Knew Everything

Darrell recently wrote about the lyrics of several popular songs that dealt with the topic of abortion, including The Verve Pipe's “The Freshmen”. I remember singing along to that song many times, interpreting to the best of my knowledge a theme of youthful arrogance and naiveté. I had the right idea, that “When I was young I knew everything” sets up the journey of realization we all go through. We only think we know everything when we're young, and ironically wisdom comes with the realization of the opposite. The more we learn, the more we realize there is that we don't know. I just missed the specific lesson that clued the singer in to this fact.

This week, many are wondering why Owen Wilson would attempt suicide. He seems so chipper and carefree, in and out of character, but who can say what's going on in a person's mind? When the story first broke on the news, details were vague. A statement asking for privacy accompanied reports that he was recovering from fainting. I found it ironic that the media was reporting on the story of a celebrity asking the media to leave him in peace.

A fan of his work, I wasn't satisfied with a cryptic report. It didn't take long to find reports online of a 911 call. Details varied, with some saying his brother Andrew found him while others said it was Luke. At one point I read he had consumed a large volume of pills and was slumped on the floor with one wrist slashed. The full story may or may not ever be known.

Why? What drives a person to try to take his or her life? We've all had low points. Whenever I thought about it growing up, I couldn't get around the pain. A cut would hurt. Hanging would hurt. A bullet would definitely hurt. Pills might work, but surviving would mean a stomach pump. I had an aunt miss my college graduation because she was in the hospital after downing a bottle of pills and having her stomach pumped. It's a stupid thing to try, and as bad as whatever drives a person to it might be, if you screw it up you're likely to be in worse shape.

It takes time and experience to learn that bad times don't last, and that the things we think are so terrible are nothing compared to the trials ahead of us. After I lost the girl I was sure I would end up with, I wallowed in despair for years, long after taking positive steps to improve my life in other ways. I remember putting together a portfolio for a job interview, trying to get out of the company where we once worked together before she left. I pondered how poetic it would be for an artist to slash his wrists with his knife. I didn't think about doing it; I thought about what it would be like as the concluding chapter of my “story”. After that split second, that nadir, I shook off the notion. Losing her was one of the worst things that ever happened to me, but it wouldn't be the worst thing. I'd go on to endure real trials, and not the sort of thing that seems like the end of the world when a person is young. I learned how fierce my desire to cling to life was only when a birth defect nearly killed me.

We only know as much as the point we've reached in life. Things are hopeless only if we decide they are. The moment you begin a thought with the words “I'll never...” is the moment you start going down a dark path. I thought I knew everything many times in life, but over time I've realized that with each new beginning I'm a freshman again, with a lot to learn but a lot of potential. I don't want to miss what happens next in this show called life. Who knows when a very special episode could air?

Emotions are both a blessing and a curse. We can become intoxicated, losing ourselves to extremes of pleasure or misery, rational thought barely protecting us from doing something we'll regret. Our actions can cause other people pain and regret as well. Last year a friend's fiancée fatally overdosed, leaving behind her two children from a previous marriage as well as parents and a brother. It cannot be undone. It's a final act. Thankfully this wasn't Owen Wilson's final act, and I hope in time we'll see him in new roles. We only think we know everything. Grasping that concept frees us to new ideas, personal growth, and God willing, continued existence.