Entertainingly Bad; Deliciously Good

I don't recall what prompted me to rent Cradle 2 The Grave, but my guess is that after seeing The One a few years ago, I got some recommendations and added some other Jet Li films to my Netflix queue.

There are three basic kinds of action movies. You can have one that has great action and a good plot, and is genuinely good. There can be one with decent action but not decent enough to save bad acting and a weak plot. Then there's an action movie that's bad as far as the plot and the acting go, but the action makes up for it and it's entertaining. Think of that last one as “action porn”, where the dialogue is so entertainingly bad, you watch the whole thing instead of fast forwarding to the good parts.

There were some particularly great action sequences in Cradle 2 The Grave, and plenty of moments meant to be sincere that cracked me up. Rapper/Rapper-trying-to-act DMX is harsh in his delivery, spitting out sentences like lines from his songs. He uses the same tone for “concerned father” that he does for “badass gang leader”. I'd love to see his one-note angry inflection incorporated into other genres. Think what he could do with Jane Austen's work?

The plot's not worth reviewing, something about black diamonds and arms dealers and foreign agencies. What is worth mentioning is the smackdowns Li gets to deliver, especially a cage match in a club against Ultimate Fighting Champions and Martin Klebba, a little person I know best from his role as Randall on Scrubs. “Powerful, tiny fists...” I said with a chuckle to an empty living room. If my cat at least got the reference, he didn't so much as give me a nod.

DMX meanwhile, in police custody, nods to his crew and talks to them via some concealed two-way earpiece communicator that the cops don't notice. Their incompetence extends further when he manages to get the keys to his handcuffs, get loose, run up the block, and ‘jack an ATV for an unlikely but awesome chase through city streets, up stairwells, and across rooftops. It felt like I was watching Peter fight the Chicken on Family Guy. It was an hilarious send-up of action movies, even if it was intended to be serious. I knew things were on when I heard DMX singing in the background over his own chase scene:



“LISTEN! It's what you hearin'!” I had to watch that video on the DVD after the credits, albeit less explicit than the one above, and it definitely had me moving and grooving. That's a classic for the ages. As for the credits, the film did take an intentionally comedic turn as Tom Arnold and Anthony Anderson have a conversation that clearly deviates from the script at some point. They ad lib some funny stuff, and reference not only the director but two guys at the end of Exit Wounds. I realized it was a call back to earlier roles where they did something similar, and though I'm really not a big fan of Steven Seagal, I cautiously put it on my queue. It had the same director and included DMX, Anderson, and Arnold, so perhaps it would have the same level of good badness.

Meanwhile, already next in line on my queue was another Li/DMX collaboration from the same director, Romeo Must Die. It was the director's first film, and it shows. DMX actually has a small role, while the film focuses on Li's character. The film was nearly over before I understood the title and realized it was a (barely recognizable) homage to Romeo and Juliet. The few fight scenes there are clearly exhibit unfinished CGI, as though they ran out of money. I could swear Li actually flickerd while kicking 7 guys in midair. They probably wasted the effects budget on a few unnecessary x-ray shots. I can tell if someone's arm breaks in a fight; I don't need the camera to zoom in and cut to a digital slice of the bone breaking. It was just awful, and that's all I have to say about that.

When Exit Wounds arrived, it fell somewhere in the middle. It had more action than Romeo Must Die and DMX played a bigger role. Yet he kept it subdued, and it was the over-the-top nature of his starring role in the Cradle 2 The Grave that made watching him try to act so entertaining. Seagal, as usual, squinted a lot and spoke in a whisper. And the more he weighs; the less he intimidates. The Anderson/Arnold session during the credits was a lot more forced, and not as good as their later one. Of the three, Cradle was the best and as the most recent, I could see the director and actor's progression. It really is worth a rental for the fights and the laughable bravado, even if I'm still not sure what the title means or if there's a “Cradle 1 The Grave” out there. Perhaps it's like Leonard Part 6.

On a lighter note, last night I did check out a movie that was supposed to be funny. Though the DVD of Fido won't be released for another month, I got my hands on a screener copy from B13. 90% of the discs he gets from work are bad, but every once in a while there's a gem like Bug or this film. Fido tells the story of a boy and his zombie, a wholesome tongue-in-cheek black comedy that marries the mock ‘50s era style of Pleasantville with the world of Shaun of the Dead. I hated when Billy Connelly replaced Howard Hesseman on Head of the Class, but Connelly really shines as a groaning, domesticated zombie. It's a unique, deliciously fun film that left a smile on my face.



From entertainingly bad to deliciously good, it's been an interesting week of movie viewing.