W.T.S.

For a (relatively) smart guy, I have a brain that produces some baffling stupidity at times. I remember the classic mistake about a year after graduating college. I had a job, had a girlfriend, and things were going well. The job wasn't that great and didn't pay a lot, but I got great experience there that formed the foundation of my career. The girl made those times some of the best in my life. Hanging out one night with my college friends, they remarked that I'd put on a few pounds. I'm humble and struggle with low self esteem constantly, so when things are going well the pendulum swings to the opposite extreme and I develop an ego. I got cocky and arrogant, and I responded with a boastful “fancy restaurants” as I patted my belly. They never let me forget the use of the phrase, and I never forgot it either.

A few weeks ago, coming back from lunch at a Mexican restaurant, I commented that we'd been going to a lot of “fancy restaurants” for lunch lately. Immediately, my work friends cracked up, and one of my buddies joked that if I considered that place a “fancy restaurant”, no wonder I did so well with the ladies. The irony was that while I didn't know him at the time, he went to the same college I did and was now laughing at the same choice of wording my college pals razzed me about. I guess in my brain, anything that isn't fast food, where a waiter or waitress takes your order, not counting diners, can be considered “fancy”.

As stupid as that is, it doesn't compare to what my brain was doing on Saturday. I had Buckcherry's “Crazy Bitch” stuck in my head while I was driving out East to a friend's barbecue. The radio of course edits the song's strong lyrics heavily, and I imagined what it would be like if instead of dropping the audio on the bad words, they substituted ”Smurf” instead.

See, the “fancy restaurant” story doesn't seem so dumb now, does it?

“Smurf” was such an all-purpose word. It could be a noun or a verb or an adjective, with some adjustment, and those little blue bastards always understood one another. From context, we could pretty much infer their meaning as well.

Here now are some lyrics, including the one that inspired this insanity, Smurf-itized. I may even throw in some unnecessary edits, to make the songs seem worse than they are.

”Hey
You're a smurfy smurf
But you smurf so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm smurfing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on”
—“Crazy Bitch”, Buckcherry

“I want to smurf you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to smurf you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to smurf.”
—”Closer”, NiN

“What the smurf is this world
running to?
You didn't
leave a message
at least I could have
smurfed your smurf one last time.”
—”Porch”, Pearl Jam

“Smurf River, wider than a mile,
I'm smurfing you in style someday.
Oh, dream smurfer, you smurf breaker,
wherever you're smurfing, I'm smurfing your way. “
—”Moon River”, music by Henry Mancini, lyrics by Johnny Mercer

“When she's saying, oh that she smurfs only me
Then I wonder why she smurfs with my friends
When she saying, oh that I'm like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can smurf
Well I guess, I should smurf up for myself
But I really think it's better this way
The more you smurfer
The more it shows you really smurf, right? Smurf!”
—”Self Esteem”, The Offspring”

“She smurfing hates me
trust
she smurfing hates me
la la la love
I smurfed too hard
and she tore my smurfings like I had none
and ripped them away.”
—”She Hates Me”, Puddle of Mudd

“Start smurfing the smurfs, I'm smurfing today
I want to be a part of it, New Smurf, New Smurf
These vagabond smurfs, are longing to smurf
Right through the very smurf of it, New Smurf, New Smurf

I wanna wake up in a smurfy, that doesn't smurf
And find I'm king of the smurf, smurf of the heap

These little town blues, are smurfing away
I'll make a brand new smurf of it, in old New Smurf
If I can smurf it there, I'll smurf it anywhere
Its up to you , New Smurf, New Smurf”
—”New York, New York”, Frank Sinatra