Some Bad Sequels

Sometimes the process by which my brain composes an entry for the night astounds even me. Driving home in slush and ice, I began mentally conceiving a post about how I don't like messes, subtly alluding to something that upset me at work today. By the time I finished watching 2046, which turned out to be the sequel to In the Mood for Love, a film I've yet to see, I decided I'd compose a list of my favorite sequels. It would prove to be an interesting counter to a recent anti-sequel post over at Janet's. Yet as my fingers hovered over my keyboard, I realized no one would be interested in predictable ravings about Empire or Superman II. There are plenty of great sequels out there, and none of my choices, with the possible exception of Bambi 2, are going to surprise anyone. Besides, it's more fun to mock than praise, or else I would have had a happier childhood. Here are some of the WORST “what were they thinking?!” sequels I've seen:

Weekend at Bernie's 2:
Yes, the title character is still a dead guy. But, thanks to a voodoo ritual gone astray, he walks and dances whenever music is played in his vicinity. No one notices he's a ripe zombie, and he finds his way into some conga lines and romantic encounters on the way to treasure.

Speed 2: Cruise Control:
I've included the full title to emphasize how bad it is. Sandra Bullock returns, but instead of a bus that will explode she has to deal with a ship on a collision course with an oil tanker. I thought I had bad luck. Shockingly, Jason Patric is not an improvement over Keanu Reeves.

Batman & Robin:
Joel Schumacher puts the final nail in the coffin for this franchise and the title character doesn't appear on the big screen for another eight years, when a quality movie is made. I'm not sure where to begin in describing how bad this is. Arnold Schwarzenegger regresses to one-liners, bad puns about the cold. He's Mister Freeze; we get it. Deal with his tragic origin best portrayed in the animated series or move on. George Clooney becomes the third actor in four films to play the lead role, and smirks his way through the entire movie like it's a joke, occasionally stopping to deliver a variation of what I've dubbed the “help me” speech to some character for the umpteenth time. The director also uses a lot of monotone primary colors in shots to emulate the emotion of the older comics, not realizing such panels were the resulted of a limited printing process. And of course, there are numerous close-ups of codpieces and the men's superhero suits have nipples for some reason.

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace:
It should have been a good movie. The late Christopher Reeve had a good message about the threat of nuclear war, and removing weapons of mass destruction from the nations of the Earth before we destroyed ourselves. Then the movie veers into a tangent riddled with plot holes, in which Gene Hackman clones our hero using a strand of the Man of Steel's hair and some of his own DNA. Ew. With help from his nephew Ducky, the maniacal genius succeeds in creating a nuclear man of few words, all spoken in Hackman's voice. I guess in a way, the three of them were the original Two and a Half Men, except they were not supposed to be funny.

The Ring Two:
I would file this one under “disappointing” rather than “bad”. There were a lot of creepy scenes and visually stunning moments, but they were held together by the finest strand of a plot and the rules that governed the first movie were abandoned fairly early. Another important thing to remember in the horror genre is that LESS is MORE. If you get too good a look at the scary opposition, there's less chance your imagination will make it worse than it is. Instead of jumping a lot as I did with the first movie, I found myself nodding and thinking “that looks cool” or “there she goes” and other blasé reactions.

Ghostbusters II:
As with any of these films, the first question that comes to mind is “Why?” Why are they fighting slime with slime now? Why did she have a kid with someone else? Why are they cruising through the city in an ambulatory Statue of Liberty? This one was both disappointing AND bad.

Jurassic Park 2:
Once upon a time, a group of people went to a strange island, a place some of them had been before. They faced the same perils, giant wild savage beasts, and decide to bring one back to civilization where it escapes and terrorizes modern man. It's a lot like King Kong except a dog gets eaten and Jeff Goldblum's adopted daughter can defeat dinosaurs with gymnastics. This film begs the questions “why?” and “what?!” often.

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Dishonorable mention goes to sequels to films I refuse to see, in some cases due to an aversion to the originals. I will never see Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit, Big Momma's House 2, or Mrs. Doubtfire 2.

Would anyone care to add to the list or defend any of the films mentioned tonight?