Rumors of My Demise

In case anyone read into the death references in last night's post as Jerry did, let me reassure everyone that, as far as I know, I'm in really good health right now. I've been really pushing myself in the gym lately and I've eliminated late night snacks, and I'm happy to say I've lost about 7 pounds in the last two weeks. It's not enough to be noticeable to anyone but me yet, but I hope the trend continues. I finally stopped ignoring the signs that my weight was out of control. My mom's inquiry of “when's the baby due?” had been repeated so many times, it had become background noise. I knew I was a little overweight, but I didn’t think it was that bad. One day at lunch in Best Buy, several friends commented on how rotund I looked, later modifying the comment to say I just needed a better cut of jeans. But it was enough for me to get on a scale at home and, when I saw that I was over 200 pounds for the first time in my life, it was the wake-up call I needed. I stopped having dessert during the week, eliminated lunch on the weekends, and started full out running every night. Hopefully my body will soon be less nauseating to the opposite sex; can't do much about the face though. As for my true height, at 5'6”, I'm considerably taller than the four feet I joked about but compared to the world, I might as well be that short.

So I'm exercising and feeling really good, sometimes too good. I've been hopping around this week leaving comments and reveling in my wit, but a careless joke in poor taste over at Rhodester's led to a sobering response in my inbox the next day. We've since worked it out(thanks again, Dave), but it was a reminder of one of my more inexplicable traits. As sensitive as I've always been to people cracking jokes at my expense, sometimes overly so, when I'm feeling good for any reason I tend to get cocky and egotistical. I shift completely to the other end of the spectrum and make fun of other people, losing all empathy and common sense. The first time I had a girlfriend, it completely went to my head. She was very pretty, two years older than me, and a lot smarter, and yet saw something in me that I didn't. When friends ribbed me about not having money, instead of sitting quietly and turning red I countered that all my money was going to the “fancy restaurants” I was now going to with my girl. I think that's a classic example of a geek drunk with power. The worst thing I did though was in my first few months with her, when I'd occasionally joke about other girls in the office. I thought the notion of anyone being attracted to me was so outlandish that she wouldn't take it seriously when I'd say, “Hey, I think so-and-so likes me”. Part of me wanted to make her jealous, but doubted it would. Finally one day she told me how much it bothered her, with genuine emotion, and my eyes were opened to what a jerk I was being. Just because I couldn't see anything desirable in myself, it had completely escaped me that she could, and if she could, it wasn't as outrageous a notion to her that other people might as well. Someone I loved shouldn't have gotten hurt for me to learn that lesson, and I hope never to do anything like that again.

I think the trick is to find a balance, to feel positive and good about oneself while remaining humble. At times, the path of my life has led me to a simplistic interpretation of my own Catholicism that mirrors the simplified view of Karma presented on ”My Name is Earl”: “Do bad things, and bad things happen to you. Do good things, and good things happen to you.” I sometimes wonder if my life would be better if I were a better person. Perhaps the real source of my improbability IS bad Karma. Things don't go my way because I haven't earned good fortune. However, such thinking is contrary to my faith. To follow Jesus' example, one must love other people no matter what, and do good things without expecting thanks or reward. The same holds true for punishment. Just as God doesn't reward us for good deeds, he doesn't punish us for bad ones. Parents unfortunately use the tactic of pointing out when we incur God’s wrath. Many was the time I'd be acting up, running around and ignoring my mom, and end up getting cut or bruised. “See? God punishes you. Now let me see,” she'd say as she'd reprimand me and then put on a Band-Aid. While necessary for parents to teach children that actions have consequences, doing so in such a manner may seed questionable theology in a young mind.

While God isn't handing out prizes or penalties(at least in this life), we can still reap the benefits of our actions. That biannual dental cleaning I was dreading last night, the one that set my last post in motion, was relatively painless. I've really been making an effort to floss every day and, for the most part, I didn't have to endure the metal pick too much as a result of it. The only spot of concern was a red dot on my gum that the hygienist pointed out to me and the dentist. No one could figure out what it was, and it didn't hurt when they poked at it. The dentist said it was probably nothing to worry about, and it would go away on its own, but to call if it’s still there in a week. Of course, my mind raced through the worst scenarios even as I wondered what I'd done to deserve the sundry demises I envisioned. I asked him what he thought it could be, and he said it could be a loose bit of bone from when I had my wisdom teeth removed a few years ago. He said sometimes they stay and become infected, though he wasn't sure if that was the case here. As I paid and walked to the parking lot in a stupor, trying to remember if I bit anything sharp or if the pick poked me during the cleaning, I suddenly remembered that they took X-rays today. There's a chance that when I bit down on the film holder, I bruised that spot. We'll see. For now, I'm still alive though and I don't plan on going anywhere if I can help it.