Belated Sequels and the Kingdom of the Oversized Sicilian Melon

Wow, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was a lot of fun, with great humor, action, and nods to the previous films and television series. Although it has its flaws, it's still an entertaining ride. I could suspend my disbelief about most things in the movie, save for the use of one common household appliance, but perhaps I'm saying too much. It was great revisiting that world.

There's always understandable skepticism when filmmakers return to the well after so many years, and I know audiences will be divided over this fourth installment. Ultimately, I think it was a good execution of a good idea. But what of bad or unlikely sequels? I've speculated Belated Sequels before, and just when you think the topic is closed is when the time is ripe for another sequel to those posts. Consider:

1) W for Worcestershire: In this unexpected follow-up to V for Vendetta, a new protagonist dons the Guy Fawkes mask to stand up for a new cause: condiments. Can he turn the tide against a government contractually obligated to ketchup? Can he bring new flavor to a bland bureaucracy? A reckoning is at hand, and there will be accounting for bad taste....

2) Bee13 Movie: I admit, I haven't seen Bee Movie yet, but it seems like a no-brainer to convert one of the more colorful characters I know into a colorful CGI bee and let him tackle the voice work. Inspired by his hive-brother's adventures with humans in the first movie, and shunned by his 12 siblings for his obsession with human interests such as photography, Bee13 sets out on a journey to see the world outside, and show others how he sees things. It's a BEE with a CAMERA--a fun ride for the whole family!

3) Double Mocha Venti Me: Morgan Spurlock educated and disgusted millions of Americans with his hit documentary Super Size Me. Now, in a rare reality sequel, instead of a fast food only diet, Spurlock tackles coffee chains. See the man lose weight and act increasingly jittery as he survives on nothing but Starbucks for 30 days. You might never order twenty ounces of brown fluid again!

4) Great Grandson Kane: Move over, Citizen Kane! Rising star Shia LaBeouf takes on his greatest role yet. Heir to a great fortune, running a successful online sled store, Chuck Kane the 5th has everything he wants, and nothing he needs. Brittany Murphy takes a marvelous dramatic turn as a professor who teaches Kane that love and happiness can't be bought, only traded.

Belated Sequels Balboa

If Gerard Butler can star in a remake of Escape from New York, then I can write a sequel to my belated sequels when no one is expecting it.

I doubt we'll ever see any of these in theaters or in our homes, but stranger things have happened:

1) AVPVE.T.: That lovable alien from the ‘80s is back to visit an old friend. Unfortunately, he's picked up some hitchhikers along the way. Can his healing metabolism cope with the parasitic alien growing within? The clock is ticking, especially with another hunter following him to Earth to destroy its ancient enemy, even if the host is sacrificed in the process. An Alien within, a Predator not far behind, and a planet unsuspecting. No matter who wins, we lose, unless of course E.T. wins. That's my catch phrase and I'm sticking to it....

2) Groundhog Day Break: Bill Murray is a weather man on assignment in Los Angeles, with the strangest feeling he's been there before. Taye Diggs is a tough cop who isn't a stranger to a day repeating either. When Murray's wife, played by Andie MacDowell, is murdered, Diggs is on the case. When the two meet at the morgue, they suddenly find themselves back at the beginning of the day, remembering what no one else does. Can they save Murray's wife? And will they realize in time the key role coroner Tru Davies plays? Bill Murray is a weather man on assignment in Los Angeles...

3) The Hands that Rock the Cradle: 15 years ago, Ernie Hudson played a mentally challenged but gentle caretaker who was instrumental in helping a family stave off a psychotic babysitter. Highly recommended, with each subsequent reference better than the last, he now finds his greatest challenge working for Britney Spears. When Paris Hilton drops by to babysit, Hudson's Solomon faces double trouble. Can he be an effective protector when the mom is as much trouble as the babysitter?

4) Laurence Fishburne of Arabia: In this epic instant classic comedy slash drama, the actor portrays himself in the role of a lifetime. Haunted by the ghost of T.E. Lawrence(James Marsters) after picking up his restored motorcyle at an auction, he finds himself drawn to the desert. Fishburne suspects he's lost his mind, until he comes across the ghost of Prince Feisal and witness Feisal’s followers transfer his spirit into a younger, living descendant, Feisal Ghul, played by Ewan McGregor. To survive, Laurence might need Lawrence to possess him as they learn to work together. Never before has the buddy comedy collided so perfectly with alternate history. Look for “Don't call me Larry!” to be the most quoted line of 2008!

Belated Sequels

It's no secret that there are fewer and fewer original movies every year. New ideas are rare, and sequels, prequels, and remakes abound. Sometimes, as in the case of Rocky Balboa, we might be pleasantly surprised. Other times, an irritating muppet might get entirely too much screen time. Will Live Free or Die Hard, Rambo IV: Pearl of the Cobra, or Indiana Jones 4 be worthy of any of their predecessors? I cannot answer that question definitively. I can have some fun though and speculate some other unlikely (bad) sequels that may crop up when we least expect them....

1) Ferris Beuller's Layoff: What happens when a former high school troublemaker suddenly loses his job? He decides to pull his straight-A student son out of school for a road trip with his best friend, and teach the boy there's more to life than good grades and perfect attendance, much to his wife's dismay. Stars Matthew Broderick, Alan Ruck, Mia Sara, Jeffrey Jones, and Jennifer Gray reprise their roles, with cameos by Charlie Sheen, Ben Stein, and Charlie Schlatter. Justin Long joins these veterans playing Ferris, Jr.

2) Super Mario Brothers: Rise to Power-Ups: This prequel stars Patton Oswalt and Freddy Rodriguez as the Brothers in their youth. If they can survive plumbing school, they just might embrace a greater destiny as a digitally de-aged Dennis Hopper becomes a dictator in another dimension.

3) Cabin Man: Will the same jokes stay afloat when Chris Elliot's character, having inherited his father's wealth, once again stumbles on to the wrong boat with some familiar faces from the first movie?

4) Happy Gilmore and the 18th Hole: Watch for Adam Sandler to display the more mature, dramatic aspect of his acting ability, cultivated in such films as Punch-Drunk Love, Spanglish, and Click. When Happy's grandmother passes away, he sinks into a pit of depression and alcoholism. Can a former rival, played by Christopher MacDonald, get him to make a triumphant return to golf, the only other thing that gave his life meaning? Expect a golf tour-de-force performance that will touch your heart and remind you that there's one more game left in all of us.

5) Navy Seals: Osaka Drift: Charlie Sheen thought he was done with the military, done with the sacrifices needed to combat terrorism. On an extended holiday in Japan, he gets caught up in the world of underground racing when he learns that the profits fuel the plans of a known terrorist. His old training resurfaces, but to learn a few new tricks to win the race and save the world he'll have to turn to Vin Diesel. Sit down, strap in, and strike like lightning!