10 Things I Learned Watching G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Warning: May Contain SPOILERS:

1) You can never have enough holograms. Or flashbacks. Logical segues are entirely optional, especially if you want to spoof Lost.

2) Knowing is half the battle. Did I mention that knowing is half the battle? Yes knowing, you see, is actually half the battle...

3) The answer to the decades-old question of whether Scarlett prefers Duke or Snake-Eyes is apparently: Ripcord.

4) Nanotechnology is like magic. The same microscopic machines that can dissolve metal are also capable of expelling venom from the bloodstream, dissolving flesh, converting flesh into living metal, and mind control. They cannot, however, refund the cost of your ticket.

5) Any and all unlikely scientific advances with a tenuous basis in real world technology can be justified by sticking the caption “In the not too distant future” at the beginning of your movie.

6) Soldiers will describe every obvious thing they see and do, from “the helicopter shot down those missiles!” to “I just jumped through the train!” This is crucial to the audience, because if you looked down at your popcorn for even a second, you'd be utterly lost without the instant verbal replay. It’s THAT complex.

7) A master of disguise will always whistle the same tune, no matter who he looks like. This is a psychological exercise on the part of that individual to maintain his own sense of identity, and not at all dumbing things down for the audience.

8) Sgt. Slaughter looked a lot like Brendan Fraser when he was younger, although for legal reasons he answered to “Sgt. Stone” in those days.

9) Joseph Gordon-Levitt is one of the most talented actors of his generation. Oh, wait, I learned that from watching Brick. Never mind...

The actual 9) It makes perfect sense for a mute ninja to have rubber lips molded on the outside of his full face mask.

10) Henry Rollins could have picked a better cast.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

But is it worth seeing?

To me, G.I. Joe is still a soldier with a facial scar and kung fu grip.

Given that I'm utterly unfamiliar with either the comic books or the modern-era G.I. Joe toys -- I don't even know which is the chicken, and which the egg -- does the movie offer anything for me?

8/13/2009 2:25 AM  
Anonymous Krispy said...

My son and I thought about seeing it the other day, winced at the idea of possibly seeing yet another '09 lackluster blockbuster ... and instead went to the second run theater and saw Star Trek again. So far that's been the only big summer action movie either he or I have enjoyed. Along with the wonderful Up, it's one of only two good movies we saw all summer.

He and I both hated the Transformers sequel as much as we'd loved the first film, we both were just slack-jaw amazed at how bad Wolverine was ... and I saw Terminator Salvation without him and actually fell asleep in the theater. Man, what a huge let-down the '09 action flicks have been.

8/13/2009 4:34 AM  
Blogger MCF said...

It's worth seeing a matinee, although if you aren't familiar with either the '80s cartoon or comics, I'm not sure how much you'll appreciate it. There is a line thrown in there about Kung Fu grip.

I was actually entertained, and even though I listed most of the problems I had with the film here, there was a lot that was faithful to the source. I think it was almost too faithful, and while that worked for Watchmen, here you get a weird hybrid of a cartoon that was a toy commercial with a war movie with real casualties. The script/dialogue was HORRENDOUS and made me cringe several times, while I actually liked the effects. I think they tried too hard to be PC and make it an international NATO force instead of an American team. I'm not actually against that change, but they were very obviously doing cartwheels for the rest of the world.

The Ninja fights, and the Baroness, were the best parts as I expected. Marlon Wayans, as I hoped, was actually not the worst actor in the film. I'm a TF fan first, so I would say I liked TF2 better, and I think Michael Bay could have done a better Joe movie.

Bottom line, it sounds like both of you should wait for DVD.

I still need to see Up. Star Trek and Half Blood Prince have probably been the best films of the Summer season so far. I think now I'm ready to start looking forward to 2010 and Iron Man 2--some awesome comicon footage had leaked the other day and looked amazing. We might still have a few good ones this year though, like Surrogates, but yeah for the most part I think the 09 action season is done.

8/13/2009 7:45 AM  

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