Change for the Worse

After lunch this past Friday, I attended a meeting with the CEO of my company. Myself and others who'd been hired in the past six months would have an opportunity to meet him, hear his vision for the company, and ask any questions. It was a very nice atmosphere, a warm conference room with a large table, and snacks were served. While we waited for him to arrive, I helped myself to an iced tea, a slice of poundcake, and two large chocolate chip cookies.

When he arrived, we each introduced ourselves before he went into his presentation. As the meeting went on, my mind wandered to being stuck in traffic earlier in the week during a snowstorm, how I felt trapped and lightheaded, how that was a common feeling I struggled with for a few months a few years ago before getting over it. I thought how I felt during that period at my old job whenever I was in a big meeting with executives, especially when there was a large crowd. I thought about the time I actually passed out during a class in college and how embarrassing that was, and how for months after that I worried about passing out in church while standing before everyone as an altar server. I remembered the time I passed out at my desk at work from blood loss, a serious internal birth defect ignored for too long, almost fatally.

It's funny how the mind wanders while listening to the history of a corporation and how it evolved. I felt a little lightheaded thinking how bad it would be to pass out during this meeting, how I couldn't really excuse myself and walk out without everyone noticing. Was that a ringing in my ear? Had my arm gone numb? I shifted in my chair, rested my head on one arm and concentrated on looking alert and focused. I nodded at key points, and tried to get out of my own head. My heart was beating faster and faster, my chest actually hurting from the impact. I knew it was all panic induced, fear of such symptoms creating them, but once that chain reaction begins there's nothing to do but breath and ride it out. After about ten minutes my heart had slowed down and I felt less lightheaded, and when we were dismissed I felt fine.

Twice in the same week I'd experienced symptoms I hadn't seen in years, from a period when every medical examination came out clean and I felt like a hypochondriac for even checking. As I munched on Wheaties on Sunday morning, I felt pressure at my temples. I glanced in a mirror and saw they were a little swollen. That was another symptom that was never explained and eventually went away. I didn't know what was going on, and didn't want to start worrying about every ache, pain and odd feeling. Why was my back sore? Was the mole on my right shoulder turning cancerous, even though it looked exactly the same as it had for 33 years? Maybe the attack on Friday was a heart attack and not panic. Maybe I had a glandular problem. My brain wouldn't shut up, and I knew it would make things worse. Then I had an epiphany.

I thought about how my life had changed since August. Sure I'd lost my old job which I loved, in spite of some of the more stressful aspects of it. But I'd found a new job immediately at a great company with great people. I was making a better salary, and even had a few bonuses, one as recent as this past week. The workload had slowly increased as I was given more responsibility and learned the ropes, but I was handling it and rarely worked late, maybe one or two days every two or three weeks. I worked late every day at my old job to stay ahead of crushing deadlines. I was experiencing symptoms of stress, but it was a mystery, wasn't it?

Then I thought about some of the other things I'd been doing differently since August:

1) I no longer was a member of a gym. I tried exercising on my own a bit after I started the new job, but that soon gave way to more time watching DVDs and surfing the web. I went from running at least three miles a day to sitting in front of a computer for as much as twelve hours. And while I got up for coffee or tea breaks regularly when I first started, once I had more important assignments I found I'd have days where I didn't get up until lunch, sometimes only taking a half hour break.

2) I noticed I'd run out of multivitamins months ago and never replenished them.

3) I used to drink water throughout the day. Now I might have a cup of coffee when time allows.

4) I now eat fast food four days a week, including a return to Taco Bell which I'd given up for a year.

5) I'd have a banana in the morning and a Gatorade every day to keep my potassium up. I stopped bringing both with me when I started the new job.

6) I made a point at the old job of taking at least two vacation days a month, partly because I'd lose them otherwise, but also because the occasional three-day weekend would recharge me. When I found out I was losing that job, I saved the remainder of my vacation days since they would pay me for them. When I started the new job, I didn't take any days until Christmas when I used two days to extend our break. I'm sure people older than me are thinking a guy with a desk job has no right to whine about needing a vacation while people younger than me think it's lame that I've never been hang gliding or to any attraction with the word Disney in it.

7) I stopped hiking. One of the things that helped me cope with stress was developing a camera hobby and exploring various beaches and nature preserves around Long Island. After a few years, a lot of my pictures started looking the same and I visited a lot of places more than once. Between poor weather and boredom, I hadn't had any adventures in a while.

So, by themselves, any one of those changes shouldn't affect me that much. But when I actually made the list and realized I'd ceased all of those beneficial activities and practices, suddenly there was no mystery if I had a little back pain or couldn't catch my breath. I haven't been doing anything healthy, mentally or physically, and I think these recent incidents have been reminders. I actually priced treadmills this weekend, and while I could probably get a nice one for around $499.00, even those models were too big to fit in my car let alone my house. I did stock up on multivitamins though, and I did make a point of not sitting in my room all day when we had off Monday for President's Day. It was raining on and off, not the best day for pictures, but I went hiking anyway because the walking is the important part of such excursions. On a bridge in the middle of the woods, holding an umbrella and listening to light rain hit a trickling stream, I breathed easy and my head felt clear and unclouded.

It's a small start, but I definitely need to make some changes for the better.