Would you believe...?

Tonight, I will share five tales. At least four of them may be true. Two will contain strong language, and parents are strongly cautioned. See if you can separate fact from fiction....


~One~

On my way home from work tonight, I had to wait at a railroad crossing. There was one car in front of me, and no cars in the left lane. Behind me, I could hear shrill female voices shouting something. As ”Comfortably Numb” pulsed loudly from my radio, I heard a voice shriek out “EXCUSSSSE ME!!! EXCUSSE ME SIR!!!” I lowered the radio and turned to see a young African-American girl hanging out the passenger window while another bounced nervously in her seat at the steering wheel. “DO YOU HAVE A LIGHT??” she asked me. “A light?” was my natural response, despite hearing what she had said. When she nodded hopefully, I apologized and said that I didn't. She half turned and urged her friend to “pullup pullup!” to the car in front of me. As “Excusssse me sir!!” broke the silence of the evening once more, it occurred to me that I did have a lighter in my car. At this point I realized that they most likely had one as well, and didn't realize it. I watched as the man in front of me didn't turn or acknowledge them, and I waited for the train to come. As it drove past, something minty was in the air and I noticed tendrils of smoke rising from the passenger window of the other car as the girl reclined low in her seat. As the barricade rose and I drove on, the sound of horns blaring for the girls to move signaled me that they must have found their lighter.


~Two~

On not one but two occasions, I've driven the wrong way down a one way street. The first time was in college. After spending an evening with a bunch of my friends at Rockaway Beach, it was time to go home. I was one of the designated drivers, and at least one of the friends riding with me had consumed massive amounts of malt liquor, chasing a 60 oz. with a 40 oz. It was very dark and desolate at 2AM, and I was unfamiliar with the area. There were absolutely no other cars around, and since my other friends lived in Brooklyn and Queens they hadn't even driven the same way we had. I despaired at ever finding my way home when I noticed a road that seemed to lead back to the main land. I turned and drove over a bridge, while my friend in the passenger seat and his friend in the back chattered incoherently. Something struck me as odd about the white dotted lines, and it wasn't until I noticed the position of some traffic cones on the other side of the bridge that I realized I was on the wrong side of the road. I quickly cut through those cones to get to the other side, hoping no one would notice, when my drunken friend let out a whoop of glee and exclaimed, “You were driving on the wrong side?! I'm DRUNK and I can see you're driving the wrong way!”

A few years later when I was 22, I was driving home with my girlfriend at the time. I had just taken her to a steak house for her 25th birthday and was so engrossed in our conversation, I thought nothing of driving over the L.I.E. and making a RIGHT turn on to the service road. As a car drove by on the left coming toward me and shouted “ASSHOLE!”, I mumbled an “omigod” as her smile of endearment quickly turned to a frown of realization. “What? omigod!!” she exclaimed as I cut into the mother of all U-turns before more oncoming traffic, calling out a pointless “MY BAD!!!” to the honking horns.


~Three~

My company had sent me to a party in the city, to promote a new line of clothing. My friend told me there was a good chance we'd meet some celebrities, but I couldn't tell one suit and gown from another. It was just a room of well-dressed people. Suddenly, my friend ran up to a gentlemen very excited, and saying “Hey! HEY! Hey!” to him with an odd inflection. It was then that I recognized Haywood “Dwayne” Nelson, of ”What's Happening!!” fame. He was a little older and had a close shaved haircut instead of his trademark afro, but there was no mistaking him. We hung out with Haywood that night, talking to various girls to see who recognized him, and I still have a photo of the two of us from that very cool night.


~Four~

A few years ago, I was playing a gig in the Bronx with one of my Italian bands. We stopped in a restaurant at one point in the procession, to play some requests for the owner. The band leader's son and the band's drummer Anthony, who's about my age, became very excited to see one large gentleman who was apparently a co-owner of the establishment. He looked no different from any of the other big Italian guys we see on these jobs, so I asked Anthony who it was. He explained that he was an actor by the name of Vincent Pastore, from some mafia show on cable called The Sopranos. I had heard of the series, but didn't have cable. One of these days I'm going to catch up with it on DVD. As for Anthony, he ran up to the guy and after gushing for a few minutes, asked for an autograph. Without any paper, he handed over the best he could find, his white band hat and a black permanent marker. Pastore signed it, and for the rest of the procession Anthony proudly walked through the streets with the words ”Big Pussy” forever scrawled across his hat.


~Five~

I didn't think my ride home tonight could get any stranger after the encounter at the train tracks, and I proven wrong when the traffic in the right lane came to a sudden, inexplicable stop. It was nearly 9 PM, and there had been barely any cars on the road. As I drove around, I noticed a line of cars leading in to a packed gas station. It seemed absurd that so many people were rushing to get gas at that time of the night, especially when the regular gas was selling for $2.99. Half a block up, however, I noticed $3.66. on another gas station, devoid of cars. Before I got home I would see a variety of numbers, all over $3.00, and at one place as high as $3.75. I was suddenly glad I'd filled my tank two days ago, and wondered what I'd do when I ran out. I also wondered how the old jalopy with the steering wheel on the right that I'd passed 8 miles prior had ended up in front of me again.


~* * *~

Would you believe a couple of high girls in a car asked me for a light at a railroad crossing?

Would you believe I've driven into oncoming traffic on more than one occasion without getting in to an accident?

Would you believe I partied with a former television star and have a photo to prove it?

Would you believe the drummer in my band walked around with the questionable name of an actor's character on his head?

Would you believe gas prices are this high here?

I can't wait to see your guesses....