Torch Rap

I'm stunned, far too flabbergasted to write what I originally had planned for tonight. I had almost made it through the awful first season of the 1994 Fantastic Four. Halfway through the second DVD, it would not be longer before I got to the second season episodes, with better stories, voices and animation. The animation in the episodes I'd seen so far was inconsistent and lacked shading of any kind, and the stories were corny adaptations of the comics, dumbed down for kids. I supposed I could forgive some things given that it was aimed at a younger audience, until I got to the episode entitled: Moleman. At a fancy gala dance the team is attending, Johnny Storm decides to impress his girlfriend by grabbing a microphone and rapping.

Rapping.

The cartoon Torch, voiced by 90210 alumnus Brian Austin Green, raps. If you thought corny rap videos were an '80s exclusive, you would be wrong. I couldn't make this up--the episode synopsis I linked to before has photographic evidence. I wish I could have found a sound or video clip to link to, since pain shared is pain halved. I couldn't even find the lyrics posted anywhere, so I apologize in advance, but I have no other recourse than to share them here:

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, uh
This is for you, Melinda
Uh, uh, uh
I hope you like it
Uh, uh, uh, yeah
Uh, uh, uh
They oughta teach this in school
It's not always cool to be cool
You tried to play me for a fool
Like you see a girl who's unique
It's a dream ‘cause she's sweet
And she really seems to knock you off your feet
You wanna say “hey” but you don't
You don't
Your mom says tell her how you feel, but you won't
‘Cause you're just too cool to tell her truly
That your feelings are getting unruly
Don't try to school me
So she passes you by in the hallway
You're staring at the wall trying to play
While I say, man, you're cool
Really cool, slick, just like ice
But you didn't realize
You never get this chance twice
So you're busy playing cool now she's gone
Gone onto another while I sing my funky song
I never passed up a chance
I know this story seems long
But when I know the time is right for me and you, I just
Flame on
Flame on
And on, and on, and on
Flame on, yeah
Yeah, flame on
And on, and on, and on, and on
Flame on
I just flame on...
© 1994 Marvel Entertainment Group, All Rights Reserved

Mercifully, before a fatal amount of blood pours from the ears of young viewers, at this point the building everyone is in sinks into the ground and deep into the caverns of the malevolent Mole Man, roughly to the same depths as whichever network executives decided to green light a three minute scene showcasing Green's “skillz”. I'm grateful Chris Evans doesn't have his sights set on a hip hop career. Meanwhile, if anyone needs me, I'll be curled up in a fetal position rocking myself to sleep.