Weird Thoughts

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Driving around the traffic circle by my office, I noticed a sign indicating “safety bumps”. Almost immediately I heard the sign sung in my head to the tune of Safety Dance. I can drive if I want to. I can leave my friends behind...

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Tempted by tendrils of flame broiled smoke, I wandered in to Burger King only to find a ridiculously long line, because God wanted me to go to the deli and order a healthier turkey club instead.

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I've been trying to kill everyone on the planet in the highly infectious game Pandemic II. Of three possible agents, virus, bacteria, or parasite, virus seems to be the way to go. The key is to start with harmless symptoms and lay low for about 20 days or so, otherwise countries will panic and start closing transport and borders. Madagascar is the hardest to infect. Once everyone is infected, you can crank up the symptoms to deadly and do some damage. I guess this is why viral marketing is so successful. If you don't recognize a threat until you've become immersed in it, you've waited to long to devise an adequate defense.

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Long Island has been getting some odd weather lately. A friend who works near my office had rain over his house less than three miles away, while the office vicinity remained dry and sunny. I showed up on Friday night for a picnic that had been canceled due to rain, and while it was sunny by the time I reached the park, water droplets on picnic tables told a different story. Meanwhile, clouds gathered on the horizon and amounted to nothing, at least until I got home and found my yard had been soaked. A waterspout chased a sailor in the town of Oyster Bay. I'm pretty sure this is all part of a viral marketing campaign for the new G.I. Joe movie, and fully expect Destro's Weather Dominator to play a prominent role.

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This is old news, but photos of a bloated, partially decayed dog corpse in the Hamptons were mistaken for either some weird creature, experiment, or a viral marketing ploy. I'm sure the thing was viral, though not how people thought....

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One of the products we'll be selling in my next assignment is a replica sword complete with a “blood groove”. I asked the marketing team if they wanted me to show blood in the ad. Only when I laughed did they realize I was making a joke. Then they laughed. Nervously. And put the sword back in its hilt and as far away from me as possible on the other side of the conference room.

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They fly. They float. Why call them “ducks”?

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Conversation between high school girls overheard while waiting on line in deli: “So like my parents tried to talk to me about, you know, it. They were like ‘We know you've been going out for a while and you and he are probably doing stuff. Just remember we'll help you with anything, but we won't help you raise a baby. Also, try not to get herpes because you never ever get rid of that.' I was like, ‘thanks a lot for the advice, parents.'” I swear, every day I become more and more convinced that Idiocracy was right.

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Rejected names for browsers: Waterhound, Orchestra, Interwebs Exploder, Petting Kittens.

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50% of road work makes the roads worse, to give them something to fix the other 50% of the time.

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If I were Jewish, no one would ever see the thin patch on my scalp.

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If Arnold could become president, he'd not only defeat all our enemies once and for all, but he'd have the perfect campaign for reelection: “I'll be back!”

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Life moves by pretty fast. That's all I know so far.

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