Earn This.

I've been thinking a lot about life and death lately. I've been a complete mess for two days because my cat is sick. He's resting now, sneezing fewer and farther between, but still not eating or drinking on his own. At this point, I'd say his cold symptoms have improved, but I don't know which way things are going to go. So I find myself going through the motions, doing my work and interacting with people, but in sort of a zombie state. Friday, as with Thursday, I broke down as soon as I was alone in my car.

There have been a lot of reminders lately that no living thing remains on this Earth forever. We should be grateful for the time we do have, for the people we're related to and the people we meet who become like family. We get used to their presence in our lives, and the closer we are the worse it is when we lose someone. Sometimes it seems like it would be better if people just left, if their fate was uncertain. We’d know they eventually perished, but our imagination could fill in blanks. I thought about a stray cat we fed for a few years, who didn't come around one day, or the next, and then a year went by. We don't know what happened to him. Maybe someone finally welcomed him into their home. Unlike the stray we feed now, we could pet “Bigfoot” once in a while, but he never came in the house and never let anyone pick him up. Maybe he died from the elements or from old age. In some ways, I prefer “unknown”. I miss him, but I don't mourn him. However slim, the possibility exists that he might be out there somewhere.

It's a catch-22 though, isn't it? We can't go through life alone. We need friends and family and pets. To not form any connections because the pain of loss was too high a price to pay is tempting, but lonely. We need to celebrate life, be glad for the time we have with each other. Anger and sadness are natural in times of grieving.

I also thought about the select few movies that have tightened my throat and triggered my tear ducts, particulary Titanic and Saving Private Ryan. There were a few emotional scenes in each film, but some destroyed me more than others. In each case, the scene that hit me the hardest was the revelation of an elderly person who had lived a good, long life. In each case, someone had sacrificed himself for the other person, and in seeing these people earned that sacrifice, that it wasn't in vain, I choked up. Whether it was a montage of photos, or simply a loving wife, children, and grandchildren, I saw that each individual mattered. But how? What gives life meaning? Do we cure a disease? Save a life? Is it good deeds? I think in the end, the common element is making a difference. As long as we mattered to someone, as long as there will be someone left behind to remember us, honor us, and mourn us, then we made a difference. We might be gone, but there's evidence that we were here.

Obviously, not everyone needs to seek out friendship. Sometimes friends find us. We just need to be receptive and reciprocal. “In order to have friends, you have to be a friend” is what my mom always used to say. So pick up the phone and call someone you might not have spoken to in a while. Send an e-mail. Even something minor like a funny link can still brighten someone's day, a reminder that says “I'm here and people notice.” It's sad when they're gone, and we wonder if it would have been better if we never formed that connection in the first place. We'd be spared the pain in the end, but there would be a lot of empty years in between.


Every man dies. Not every man truly lives.
- William Wallace (Mel Gibson in Braveheart)