M.C.F.A.T. XVI: Answers

The SIXTEENTH edition of the Mysterious Cloaked Figure's Astonishing Test had a decent turnout, which means I'll probably continue to learn roman numerals. Hey, maybe someday I'll know at a glance the years on old movie posters! Here's what you had to say:

Kev Bayer

Neolithic

Kelly

Darrell

”Otis”

Sean

Wendy

And here's my take on these questions:

1) What's your worst and/or funniest drinking experience? If you never drink, it can be about someone you know, and if you don't know anyone, move on to the next question.
I've never been much of a drinker. I definitely didn't drink until I was in college, and then it would only be a Heineken or two at a party. I've never drank to the point of vomiting, nor hung out with anyone who did. Kids in high school used to boast of such stories, and make fun of me for never experiencing it myself. I'm sure there are a lot of things I've missed out on in my life, but excessive drinking isn't one of them.

It's in my nature to become addicted to things I enjoy, to delve into them to the exclusion of all else. I have an uncle who's an alcoholic, and while he's been sober since before I was born, and I've only heard stories of why he goes to meetings all the time, it was always in the back of my mind as a kid that I should avoid drinking. I couldn't stop playing video games unless my mom took the controllers or cut the wire on my television. If there was candy in the house, I would eat it all in one sitting unless she hid it. When I started reading comics, eight years blurred and suddenly high school and college were behind me. Even various games on the internet can intrigue and overwhelm my time. Addiction is in my heritage and my personality, so whenever I did drink, I would limit myself. Throwing up was never fun when I was ill, and I had no desire to break a vomit-free streak extending back to elementary school.

As I got older, I relaxed a little, got away from the watchful eye of my parents a little more, and things got interesting. I can't dance to save my life and always make a spectacle of myself when I do. It never happens without the benefit of alcohol at a wedding or an office party. In my mid-twenties, my girlfriend left me and I suddenly didn't care about anything. My job was meaningless. My life was pointless. All the rules and ethics I lived by suddenly felt binding, weights limiting me from living life and enjoying it the way everyone else on the planet did, at least from my naive, hurt perspective. So when a buddy of mine from high school returned from study abroad in Japan, obsessed with karaoke, and got an apartment in Manhattan, I'd hang out with him and his friends, drinking and singing sometimes until 3 AM. We'd hit a bodega for some vodka, orange juice, and cups, and head over to a karaoke place, sometimes recruiting girls off the street to join us. In small rooms I'd find myself standing on couches, belting out tunes as though I were Axl Rose or Jon Bon Jovi. Since the ratio of vodka to orange juice was decidedly in favor of the vodka, I thought I sounded exactly like those guys.

We'd really trash those rooms. Once I leapt from a table, nearly hitting the spinning disco ball in the ceiling. Another time I jumped off a couch and threw my arms around two girls in front of me. The next morning my friend told me the girls from his office didn't really appreciate being hugged by “some drunken asshole”. Once we all went to a bar before karaoke. My newfound sense of immortality would have me dancing in traffic to the tune of honking horns and horror of my companions. Worst of all, a lot of this was on film as my friend submitted the parties to a public access television station. I suppose that was the YouTube of the ‘90s, but the footage is far harder to track down. I'm sure my friend and archnemesis The Greek is furiously searching for such footage, which also included puppets at some point.

Eventually we got bored with that whole scene, and my friend's job took him to Europe. I meanwhile got a more serious job, and started to mature, just a little bit, and settle back down. I think I got the wild out of my system, and it wasn't a problem that would be with me for life like my uncle's. I enjoy having a few drinks with friends a few times a year, but it's been a while since I've danced in the street, hit on girls I'd just met, or woke up with the room spinning and my ears ringing.


2) Inspired by some of the insect images I've seen lately at B13's and Unspace, what are some of your more horrific encounters with the insect world?
The first time I went camping with my friends in college, somewhere in North Carolina, we slept in tents in the middle of the woods. The only real structure was a concrete building a few feet away that housed sinks and toilets. We weren't hardcore enough to go camping without plumbing. Unfortunately, that building was the only light source in the middle of the darkest woods I've ever found myself in, and the screens attracted some of the largest and most horrific insects I've ever seen in my life. I'm pretty sure a lot of them had squeezed through or even chewed through the metal mesh. The place was a nightmare.

I'm pretty sure I've written about the time I was simultaneously stung by a pair of copulating yellowjackets when I was 9 or 10. I was playing with action figures and noticed them “wrestling” on the lawn nearby. I forgot about them at one point and put the palm of my hand down to support myself. Suddenly, my hand felt like it was on fire and, gripping it by the wrist with my other hand, I ran circles around the house screaming until my mom came out to see what was the matter. Looking back on it now, I kind of feel bad for the yellowjackets. There's a 2% chance of a giant hand smiting me on my honeymoon, and with my luck I don't like those odds.

My most recent encounter happened on the internet of all places, this past week. I didn't know giant centipedes existed, or that they ate mammals. I warn you that this video is not for the faint of heart, and that I myself was unable to sit through more than a minute or two.

3) How would your life differ if you woke up one morning with no arms?
I'd have to talk more, maybe dictate my blog to someone else. I have no idea how I'd still be able to do my job and design things. Maybe I'd learn to be more proficient in the use of my feet, like this archer J-No showed me. I'd probably have to mount a toothbrush on the wall too because my social life would be bad enough without arms to jeopardize it further with bad breath and cavities.

4) Born in the mid 1970s, a lot of the classic rock I've heard used as jingles for beer, trucks, and other appropriate products was my first exposure to those songs. Do you think some of these songs were ruined by becoming advertising elements? What songs from your formative years could you see being sampled for commercials some day, and for what sort of products?
This is a tough question; who writes these things? I really can't listen to Magic Carpet Ride, Like a Rock, or Fly Like an Eagle without thinking of commercials they've appeared in. It hasn't affected the music from my generation too much yet, though. The day Smells Like Teen Spirit appears in a commercial for Teen Spirit is the day I start to worry.

SPECIAL BONUS QUESTION: I started blogging on October 13th, 2004. Last year some of you may recall my Best Blog Party Party, guest posts, year in review, and revealing photos. What sort of things should I do for this year's Cloakfest?
I think there might be something involving revealing photos again, and I definitely should round up links to this year's highlights. I'm not going to do another “Best Blog Party Party” because that might be one of the worst ideas I've ever had. If anyone wants to submit some guest posts for consideration, I'd be happy to feature them again. And of course, there are always surprises. Finally, I'll address all of your great suggestions:

”Have a Revealing Blog Party Test with Photos.”
Two out of three are likely.

“Maybe, just maybe, all participants in an event would have interview style questions for the lot, and then participants would answer one, several or all interviews.”
There's something to this idea. I'm always asking questions and answering my own. Maybe I could try answering some of your questions for a change, like *NAME HIDDEN* has done in the past. Send questions to MCFSPU@hotmail.com folks, and maybe you'll see some answers in the near future.

”Post a link to the picture you drew of yourself.”
No. :-)

”It's time to go ahead and do that nude photo-spread you've been promising us for so long now. Nothing raunchy, mind you… I'm talking about tasteful photos… but something bold and liberating. It might be nice to pose with a live tiger, if you can get access to one. The one article of clothing that I'd say you definitely should wear is a tweed fedora… and maybe a huge gold chain. Just you, the lid and the chain, the tiger and an expression of sassy bravado. It'll be the most popular Photo Blog Wednesday ever.“
This is the most terrifying suggestion ever. A thousand times No.

”I'd like to see more meats on sticks.”
I'm not sure how that's relevant, but I'll see what I can do.

”Ask everyone for a prophesy. Where will the blog, the nation, the world be in a year. We can then go back and look at it and see how far off (or on) everyone was.”
This might be the best suggestion. We'll be doing this on October 13th.

”I can tell you what you shouldn't have…..a drawing contest.”
At least I tried. There is no do or do not with me, only try.