M.C.F.A.T. XIV: Answers

I apologize. By my calculations, I'm at least 12-13 hours late in posting my answers to the Mysterious Cloaked Figure's Astonishing Test Volume XIV. I don't even have a good excuse like I was working all weekend, because the truth is the inverse. It's been gray and raining on and off and I've had nothing to do, which instead turned me into a vegetable for a bit. I'm a little more focused today though, so on with the links to your answers, followed by my own:

Sean

Neolithic

Kev Bayer

Darrell

Lorna

Kristine

Wendy

1) Friends and family often offer advice or share experiences with the best of intentions, sometimes with the opposite of the desired effect. What are some of your more memorable “you're not helping...” moments?
The specific incident that inspired this question is tamer than most of the answers I received, and most of the other ones I'd experienced. When I was driving my dad and our friend Bill to one of our gigs last Saturday, for some reason I thought of the few months last year when I used to get dizzy and tired behind the wheel. Nothing was ever found wrong with me medically, so I was eventually able to brush it off as anxiety and overcome it without medical intervention. Thinking about the sensations brought them on, so I learned to turn off that part of my brain. When I thought about it last week, I decided to focus on the conversation. Unfortunately, Bill was telling my dad about the early days of the Jackie Robinson(Interboro) Parkway. My dad hates that road, as the lanes are narrow, the road snakes, and people still speed. I'm not a fan of it myself. In the old days, Bill told us, there was only a small curb separating oncoming traffic. He had a boss get into a head on collision as a result of this. I turned up the air conditioning at this point, as it felt a little hard to breath. Trucks flew by on either side as my dad agreed that the Jackie Robinson was bad. Bill's boss had dozed off behind the wheel, and my dad added, “Yeah, I've done that a few times. It's very easy to do, to just nod off and drift into something. I usually woke up when I hit the curb.” In that moment I thought to myself “you're not helping...” and wished they'd change the subject. Thankfully they did, and all I suffered was a few nervous moments. I know it's silly and I should be over all that, but I guess something can always trigger some reaction.

Over the years my dad has helped me with many things, from finances to automobile repair to music. One area where he didn't help was girls. When I was young and painfully shy, afraid to even speak to girls, he once told me not to be afraid, that girls were just like me, and “went to the bathroom like anyone else.” I have no idea why he thought that would make them more approachable. I try not to think about that, and hang on to the fantasy that the only waste product females produce is rose petals.

The air conditioning was broken in church yesterday and despite the rain, it was still very hot. The doors were all open, and the deacon promised us he’d cut his sermon short. He then proceeded to spend fifteen minutes analyzing the responsorial psalm, “My soul is thirsting”, with no acknowledgment of the irony.

Finally, I had a “you're not helping” moment this week with my friend Rey. Back when I was still in a funk about my ex-girlfriend and not making any efforts to find a new one, he once signed me up for an online personals site. I was furious when I found out I had a profile and a picture on there. Eventually he turned the site over to me once he convinced me to keep it up, although I predictably never did get any real responses. I thought he'd learned his lesson, but the other day he sent me an instant message asking me if some girl had called me. I didn't know who he was talking about, and he went on to say she seemed nice when she chatted with “me” and said she might call. This prompted a “what did you do?” conversation in which I learned he'd apparently put up a profile on another site, going so far this time as to impersonate me and chat with some stranger. Given my reaction the last time he tried a similar stunt, I doubted he'd go even further so I was certain it was a joke. When I got back from lunch however, there was a voicemail from some girl saying she was sorry she missed me and would call back later. I told him he had to clear it up, since the person she thought she spoke to on the internet wasn't me. He might have provided some facts, although he did get some details wrong, but it was still dishonest to her. In college he and some other friends once helped me “trick” a girl into going out with me, by planning a group excursion in which everyone would back out at the last minute except me. As you can imagine, that didn't work out too well in the long run. It's best to be straightforward when approaching someone. “Are you trying to get into this week's MCFAT?!” I asked. “I'm talking about real life and you're talking about a blog?!?!?” came his incredulous reply. Eventually I just stopped answering him, as I had a ton of work to do and no time to deal with the mess he'd created. He then sent me an e-mail with a transcript of not only our conversation, but a conversation with some of the guys in the office in which he told them he was playing a prank on me and needed them to find some girl to leave me a message when I wasn't at my desk. Relief washed over anger once I started piecing together the bits of his elaborate scheme, and the role people in my office played. I was impressed; they'd gotten me good. “300 miles away, and I can still make your life hell!” he boasted. He might not have been helping, but then he wasn't trying this time.


2) You enjoy this actor's work, but many people just don't get it. Who is it?
A few weeks ago I was telling someone how funny Wedding Crashers was and he just shook his head and said, “See, I just don't get Owen Wilson.” Some people find Wilson funny, while others wonder why he's famous to begin with. The first movie I can remember him in was Meet the Parents; I don't even remember him from The Cable Guy. It was probably Shanghai Noon where I started paying attention and appreciating his work. That and its sequel were very funny, and he stole many scenes in Zoolander in one of his funniest roles. In Wedding Crashers, he brings an unusual honesty to the role of a character with very dishonest tactics.

Last night I headed in to the kitchen for a bottle of water when I glanced in the living room. My dad had a sort of grimace on his face, like he was in pain. “Everything ok?” I asked. “Have you ever seen this movie...” he inquired, pausing to squint at the nearby listings, “...Behind Enemy Lines?” I told him I had, and thought it was pretty good. It's one of the few serious roles Wilson has played, possibly the only action role, so while I didn't expect much I was pleasantly surprised. “It's just so ridiculous; how can ONE guy keep getting away from a whole army?” You just have to like those kinds of movies to appreciate it.


3) In general, when it comes to movies, are originals better than remakes, or vice versa? Feel free to cite examples that support either or both positions.
Casablanca, Spartacus, On the Waterfront, and other classics should stand as they are, with no need to revisit the stories. However, On the Waterfront was remade into Ghulam, Casablanca inspired not one but two television series as well as an unofficial remake, Armaan, and Spartacus was done on television in 2004 with Goran Visnjic in the title role.

Sooner or later, someone decides it's a good idea to tell a story again with a new cast and modern tweaks. If it must be done, I think there should be a reasonable amount of time in between, 50-80 years, but sometimes within 30 years someone dips into the same well. Most of the time, it's needless and inferior. Rear Window (1998) wasn't as good as Rear Window(1954), and The Shining (1997) definitely doesn't hold a candle to The Shining (1980).

When I watch a movie, I'm not always aware if it's a remake, especially if the the original is before my time or not as famous. I always try to watch both versions when I can, though. Last weekend I saw When a Stranger Calls and When a Stranger Calls Back. It was no surprise to see Charles Durning in a gritty detective role, but I was surprised to see Carol Kane in a serious role, and do so well in it. Then I watched the new When a Stranger Calls, which basically is a remake of the FIRST FIFTEEN MINUTES of the 1979 film. They did a decent enough job with the suspense, but there was so much more in the original film, including a dip into the cop genre, that stretching 15 minutes into an hour and a half worked as well as one might imagine. I also planned to compare Cape Fear with the 1962 original this weekend, but Netflix unfortunately sent me two copies of the 1991 version.

When do remakes succeed? Ocean's Eleven (2001) was a fun and refreshing modern take on Ocean's Eleven (1960). The stories are slightly different, and each plays on what was cool for its individual era, making them both good for different reasons. I liked King Kong (2005) as much as if not better than 1933's, but I hated the 1976 version. Remakes are rarely as good, and there has to be a reason to do them beyond better effects, such as a new spin or specific performers who can add something to the parts they're taking on.


4) If it were scientifically possible to live on any other planet in our solar system, through the development of faster-than-light travel and genetic enhancements or protective suits, which planet would you choose to live on?
At first I thought Pluto, because it would be nice and isolated, and not too hot. I definitely wouldn't want to move closer to the sun, and would enjoy living on a world where people weren't judged by their appearances. Then I thought I'd miss being that far from home, and it might be too cold, even with genetic enhancements. Mars would be a little further from the sun but not too far from Earth, and it'd be aesthetically pleasing to me as I really like the color red. So much has been done with the world in fiction, from Barsoom to J'onn J'onzz, that I can imagine what the local entertainment industry would dream up on a colonized Mars. It would definitely be my first choice then. Either Saturn with its rings and Jupiter with its gaseous nature would be interesting places I'd visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.


5) Who would win in a war: Hobbits or Smurfs?
I'm going to take a controversial position here, especially given my tastes. Everybody watched Smurfs, including me, but the television show dominated Saturday morning for so long that I began to hate them and wish something else was on. Get that “la la la la la laaa!” theme out of my head! Tolkien and the denizens of his Middle-earth on the other hand I loved, in spite of the fact that other kids likened me to both Hobbits and Gollum when I was in high school. Despite the fact that I like Hobbits better than Smurfs, and Hobbits are bigger, I'm going to have to vote for the little blue guys here. In Tolkien's novels there were only about five Hobbits who went out from their homes and made a true difference in the world. They had powerful allies, but their pure nature helped resist evil and turn the tide. Smurfs were also pure, nauseatingly so, and outwitted a human-sized dark mage and alchemist, Gargamel on a regular basis. Papa Smurf, despite his small size, was a formidable alchemist who could concoct potions to deal with any eventuality. Most Hobbits did little more than drink and farm, and those Hobbits, the ones that Bilbo Baggins liked “less than half ...half as well as [they] deserve[d].”, would be no match for Smurfs with their magic, potions, and specialties.


SPECIAL BONUS QUESTION: The year is 1985; who is Flora?
The Flora I was thinking of was a character from the short-lived French-originated cartoon Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors. She was a young girl genetically engineered from plant matter by the title character's missing father. Unfortunately, she was Jayce's father's only successful experiment, as the rest of his work resulted in monstrous organic vehicles that terrorized the planet. An interesting show inspired by a toy line like many other ‘80s cartoons, it didn't share the success or popularity of its contemporaries.

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And there we have it. Whew. In the future, I'll try to factor in how long an answer a question might inspire. I usually write five questions, because it doesn't that long to write questions, but maybe three is a more reasonable number given the essays these result in sometimes. What say you all?