King Kong Lives, suckers!

There was a time when I might have agreed with Darrell's assessment of the most recent incarnation of King Kong. This time came to an abrupt halt the moment I started watching the 1986 tour de force masterpiece that is King Kong Lives. Yesterday was all about the worst movies, but tonight I can only discuss one of the greatest films of all time. It is a story of love and triumph, survival and passion. This tale explains how love conquers all, and medicine achieves miracles. It's possible that after tonight, I'll never watch another movie again, for I'm certain everything else will pale and disappoint.

I'm literally bursting with emotion, not quite certain what to praise first. Most people wouldn't expect the 1976 King Kong to have a sequel, but there's a brilliant explanation for Kong's survival. We pick up his adventures ten years later, and learn scientists have kept him alive in a comatose state until a cure could inevitably be found for being riddled with innumerable bullets from military helicopters and plunging from the top of the World Trade Center. Linda Hamilton has never been better, here portraying a brilliant doctor fighting to save the gorilla's life. She has a seven-million dollar giant artificial heart prepared, because it costs a million more to rebuild a gorilla stronger and faster than it would to do the same for a man. The problem is that the operation to put in the new heart cannot be performed without a transfusion, and there just aren't any suitable donors. Enter rugged Hank Mitchell, played to perfection by Brian Kerwin, hereafter referred to as “poor man's Robert Redford. Previous Kong movies suffer with the device of inventing a strange and undiscovered island, but not this one. Poor Man's Redford stumbles upon another giant gorilla hanging out in Borneo! What a country! This gorilla is a clearly a female, since a careful viewer will note the slightly reddish hair and the prominent sagging breasts. Our hero is pursued by this beastly beauty, and saved by natives with blowdarts. The spears must have been tipped with something potent, because this hairy babe tumbles faster than you can say ”roofie”! It looks like our comatose gorilla is finally getting a date...with a blood transfusion. Giggity. Giggity.

The suspense built to a crescendo at this point, and I could scarcely believe I wasn't more than fifteen minutes into the film. Could Hamilton and her elite medical team do the impossible? Would her weed wacker cut through fur and bone, and would their giant claw successfully remove his damaged organic heart? And when the crane lowering the mechanical one almost dropped it and the team of doctors scramble to catch it while making sure to minimize bleeding in the crevasse they've cut in the creature's chest, it didn't look remotely comical. No this was SERIOUS and SOMBER, and I was on the edge of my seat with concern. I probably shouldn't spoil this, but the operation was a success, and in a plot development defying the film's title, King Kong LIVES!

While he recuperates, Lady MacKong is taken to another facility a mile away, to be fed fruits by the truckfull as she recovers from having her blood removed. Kong meanwhile awakens, groggy, and removes his oxygen tube to sniff the air. An observant technician, delivering one of the film's most memorable lines, realizes, “That horny son-of-a-bitch--! He smells the female a mile away!” Brilliant writing such as this proves that even Shakespeare's work can be topped. The doctors try their best to sedate him, to keep him from getting too excited before he can properly heal, but love is stronger than gas or chains. In one of the many romantic scenes of the film, Kong breaks into the warehouse where Lady MacKong is trapped in nets, rips her free, and gazes lovingly at her. Their eyes say more than any words could:

”Damn, baby, you are FINE!”
“Oh you, I bet you flatter all the girls.”
“Only the ones with a big hairy booty and banging flapjacks! How you doing?”
“Ooo my, I love a strong take-charge ape!”
“Gimme some sugar!”

At least, I imagine that's what their looks conveyed. This beautiful scene is interrupted when the humans decide to run them down with bulldozers, for what giant gorilla could withstand a good ankle scraping? Kong tosses one away as if it were an obvious toy, even as Poor Man's Redford springs into action! No one is standing in the way of true love on his watch, and he drives a jeep full speed at another jeep full of soldiers, jumping to safety at the last second even as they get exactly what they deserve.

When the dust settles, Hamilton and Poor Man's Redford must join forces and get to the gorillas before the army does. Our simian fugitives have retreated to the mountains, to a place called “Honeymoon Ridge” for some cuddling and heavy petting. The human counterparts make a harrowing journey during which Hamilton falls in a river, and later changes her shirt unashamedly in front of her traveling companion. This dynamic duo still get to the gorillas before the army, and camp out nearby. Overcome by giant monkey love, Hamilton invites P.M.R. to climb into her sleeping bag since, as she says, “We're primates too.” Take THAT, ”You had me at hello!” Of course, all this sweet loving is an interlude before the army arrives, led by an implacable colonel played impeccably by John Ashton. I know him best as Taggert from Beverly Hills Cop, but for some reason I kept wanting to call him ”Major Dad” or ”George Papadapolis”, even though those characters were portrayed by other actors.

Colonel Papadapolis is more relentless than Thunderbolt Ross, and succeeds in trapping Lady MacKong and cornering King Kong. With an army before him and a cliff behind him, Kong chooses to leap into a river even as a sudden and conveniently dramatic torrential downpour rages. He's carried downstream, where his face taps against a rock, and he disappears beneath the raging waters even as Papadapolis declares, “Not even your KONG could survive that!” Hamilton whips out her portable cardiac unit, which scans the microprocessors in Kong's artificial heart. The flatline on her monitor confirms the colonel's words. Kong was dead, though nearly an hour remained in the movie.

It was hard to keep watching at this point. Poor Man's Redford consoles Hamilton, but as the screen faded to black I myself was inconsolable. This wasn't happening. This was NOT happening. Somehow I found the strength to go on, even as Lady MacKong languished in a silo, disinterested in the fruit the soldiers dump in with her. Hamilton arrives and, upon witnessing the female ape's groans, realizes the only explanation: “She...feels something. Kong's alive. I feel it too!” Could it be true? Could this amazing movie be toying with me? No! For as we move to a swamp, we find our ebon-furred mack daddy munching down on an armful of alligators even as a speechless frog looks on in horror, unable to croak out a “bud”, “weis”, or even an “er”! Kong was alive. Kong LIVED.

Do our happy couple reunite? You'll have to find out for yourselves. I'd be tempted to reveal it, but by this point I couldn't contain the words exploding in my mind, and had to pause to type them up. I don't know how much more of this movie I can handle; it's just that GOOD. One thing's for sure, Peter Jackson sure picked the wrong movie to remake. King Kong lives. King Kong Lives. KING KONG LIIIIIIIIVES!!!