My Future Commercial Star Five

God bless Betty White. And Abe Vigoda. I loved seeing these celebrities in their late 80s appear in that Snickers spot; it's genius. I love that both actors are not only still alive, but still active, and it makes me feel old when I make an Abe Vigoda reference and younger people in my office don't know who I'm talking about. It did get me thinking about stars, and generations, and who might show up in a commercial 30 years from now that I'll recognize, but people who are the age I am now will not. If I had a wishlist, these would be My Five future commercial stars:

1) Tom Welling for Real Firewood™:
In the future, when all homes are powered by small nuclear fission reactors and heated by microwaves, there will be a small movement for the natural nostalgia of just tossing a log in the fireplace. Could there be a better spokesperson than the wooden actor who spent 20 years of his career playing a superstrong farmboy on Smallville? He'd be bringing home pre-chopped wood to that familiar farm set, and maybe use his heat vision to light the fireplace, just as Erica Durance showed up on his doorstep for a romantic evening.

2) Robert Knepper for Cocoa Puffs:
With sugary cereals suffering catastrophic losses in a more health conscious environment, you'd have to be crazy to buy any in the year 2040. Enter the 80-year-old former star of Prison Break, Heroes, and an ill-conceived shortlived whitewashed remake of 227. In a bold move, Sonny the Cuckoo Bird would find himself behind bars, and sharing a cell with one Theodore “T-Bag” Bagwell, who would lick his lips and utter, “I'm creepy for those Cocoa Puffs of yours, Pretty...” in that cajun accent of his. Yeah, it'd be odd and disturbing, but if Robert Loggia could show up in a Minute Maid commercial, then anything is possible.

3) Keifer Sutherland for Halls Cough Drops:
His voice stuck in a whisper after 18 years of alternately whispering and screaming “DAMNIT!” as Jack Bauer in 24 and the 7 theatrical films that followed the hit television series, he would credit being able to speak at all without being in excruciating pain to the new extra-strength cough drop, with 50% more alcohol.

4) Neil Patrick Harris for Discount Armani:
Thanks to God's strange sense of irony, Neil might not appreciate all the females Barney Stinson might attract in his trademark suits, but when a failing economy makes the most expensive ones finally affordable to the average Joe, you can bet he'd be the perfect spokesperson for single, overweight 65-year-olds improbably still living at home. With an Armani, I'd be surrounded by fawning women just like that guy in the commercial!

5) Evangeline Lilly for LOST Mudd:
I know she looks good now. I know she's probably still going to look good at 60(sidenote: I'm older than her too? WTH?) I know she's done cosmetics ads before, and I know she looks good covered in strategically placed bits of mud on the island. So it only makes sense for her to promote some skincare product purportedly taken from the rare soil of the fictitious island, mixed with water from that island's fountain of youth or Lazarus Pit or whatever that is in the weird temple. It could probably inspire a whole line of beauty products based on a show that people continued to talk about 30 years after it went off the air. There could be a black smoke facial steamer, or DHARMA branded vitamins. The possibilities are as limited as my pop culture-addled imagination and Ms. Lilly's timeless beauty. Of course, with my luck, she'd probably still prefer Neil Patrick Harris. Maybe by 2040, they’ll sell Android Evangelline Lillys too...



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