Technology vs. Parents

I've never appreciated the challenges my parents faced in raising me. Wiser folks than I have said that, to be a good parent, one must be a parent first and a friend second. Sometimes, doing what's right for your child means doing things they won't like. They might even hate you, but that's tough love.

I was speaking with a woman at work who was considering getting her daughter a new computer, perhaps one with a webcam so she could chat with her friends and not have to use her kid brother's computer for video communication. I think these kids are around the ages of 9 and 11, so I was surprised that they each had their own computer, and in their rooms. “Oh, she only talks to her friends,” the woman assured me, though I personally would never let my 11-year-old daughter go into video chatrooms. Honestly, if I ever have children, I'd probably be wary of letting a 21-year-old on there. My friend said other parents have made similar comments to her, but she thought the idea of sharing a family computer in a public area like a hallway or a living room would be too much of an inconvenience for everyone. When I half-joked that she spoiled her children, she did wonder aloud if that was why they were more and more disrespectful as they got older. There were plenty of times in my life that I didn't like my parents for being so strict about various things, but I always respected them.

The thing about the conversation that really troubled me was when she told me some of the difficulties her 9-year-old son was having playing XBox. There are games, as several of my readers are aware, in which you can put on a headset and fight wars with your friends in real time, multiplayer battle simulations. Apparently, one player creates a “room”, and as the administrator can control who can stay and play. Her son's been having trouble with one boy who makes fun of him over the headset, calling him “gay” among other things, and ultimately boots him from the room. He wants to play because he's friends with all of the other kids, and I guess this kid creates a room first and all his friends are already in there when he signs on.

It's sad that every generation has people like this who exclude others, who elevate themselves as the alpha of the pack by picking on the weakest in the herd. Technology should make things better, and while it's a great thing that distance or weather are no longer deterrents against children playing with one another, the bullies and the jerks from the playground are now in your house, voices in your ear putting you in your place. “It could be his fault,” said the woman of her son, “Maybe he's being annoying, because they don't want him there and he keeps going back in.” I really, really hope she didn't suggest to her son that he was “annoying” or that it was somehow his fault. He might have those same natural concerns, and to have a parent confirm them would be devastating. I did suggest that maybe he should create his own room and invite the friends who don't mistreat him, but she said when he logs on his friends are usually already in a game with this other kid.

It's a tough situation. Some of these games, such as Gears of War, are rated for much older children. But none of the other parents pay attention to the age restriction and since all the other kids have the game, she doesn't want her son to be unpopular any more than she wants to be unpopular with her son for not allowing him to play. At one point when the bully had the boy on the verge of tears, his father grabbed the headset and started yelling at the mocker, threatening to come to his house. I'm not sure that's the best play either, and can imagine the flak the son caught at school the next day.

When I was a kid, my mom would hide the controllers and/or power cords to my favorite video game systems. There was no internet in those days, no online play, and I was only allowed to play for an hour a day, and only after all my homework was done. Did it make her popular with me? Quite the opposite. Did I get my homework done? Yes. Did kids make fun of me? Yes. I still get made fun of today. But at some point you realize you have to do things that are important for your own growth and progress, and the opinions of others are meaningless. Did it hurt to be laughed at? Absolutely. Did I still get good grades whether they laughed or not? Absolutely.

I guess I can't judge too harshly, certainly not until I'm a parent myself. It probably wasn't easy for my mom to be “bad cop” all the time, especially when my dad was inclined to let me stay up later to watch television, or would bring me a comic book when he got home from work on a day when I'd driven my mother insane. I'm going to want my children to like me, and I know I'm going to have trouble being the bad guy and disciplining them, when intellectually I know it's the only way they'll respect me and others. My friend worried that her children were developing a sense of entitlement, even as she buys them every computer, video game system, or piece of mobile technology that's new and popular. I feel we don't deserve benefits in life; we earn them, and I have my parents to thank for that important distinction.

My friend did exercise discipline in one area at least, putting in parental controls to keep her son off YouTube after she caught him watching something inappropriate. One day shortly after that, one of his friends was over and they tried to persuade her to remove the block, but she remained firm. Unfortunately, her son just went to his friend's house, where there was no such restriction, and they proceeded to make and upload their own videos. In one video her son “shot” his friend with a toy gun, his friend impersonating another friend of theirs who makes videos. In another, the “dead” boy came back as a zombie. Unfortunately, the mother of the child they were imitating saw the video of her “son” being “killed”, and frantically called my friend, warning her that she was on the verge of calling the police. Extreme? Yes, but an understandable reaction in this day and age. And while kids playing pretend on the playground is a natural and normal part of all of our childhoods, it's somehow different when it's online and broadcast to millions of strangers. It’s harmless, but it will upset people and the kids are still too young to understand why.

Even when being responsible, a parent cannot track his or her child 24 hours a day. I got away from my folks plenty of times, and got into trouble almost every time. My friend can block her child from certain sites at home, but can't control what the parents of her son's friends allow. It was tough when you had to worry about the trouble your kids would get into in the street or at the school. Suddenly, with all this awesome technology making the world smaller, being a parent just got a whole lot harder. It was never possible to shield children 100% nor was it necessarily healthy, but the days of gradual, controlled exposure to the darker corners of the world may be over. I just hope that, when and if my time comes as a parent, I'll be prepared to deal with it.