So Far, So Good...

I have two uncles on my mother's side. Her oldest brother, at 80, is sharp as a tack with a good head for financial matters and good organizational skills. Though he became a widower last year, he's remained strong for his son and his family, as well as his brother. The other uncle never married, and after some wild years as an alcoholic in his ‘20s and ‘30s, he went on to survive cancer and stay sober. 40 years later, I think damage from his youth is finally taking its toll. At my cousin's the other day, after dinner he looked around the table and asked my mom, “Where did Chris go?” She looked at him for a moment before answering, “I'm right here.”

I've often looked at life the way I look at role playing games. Our experience strengthens us, and every little bit contributes to help us gain a new level. In video games, we can just get stronger and stronger the longer we play. It's scary to realize that at some point, some of our mental and physical abilities will decline. Genetics and our lifestyle will determine how long we last. Do we smoke? Drink? Exercise? How well do we eat? I've never eaten well nor in moderation, difficult in an Italian home, but in my childhood I was constantly on a bicycle or climbing a tree or just running around the neighborhood. Then one day I graduated college and sat in front of a computer for 12 years with limited weekend or vacation interruption. Worse, weekends and vacations also consisted of sitting in front of a computer.

It's easy to think we're immortal, and hard to break bad habits when we're aware of our mistakes. Initially, we have adults warning us. We don't believe them. Then we see the toll time and hard living takes. We watch our family cope with heart disease, diabetes, asthma, obesity, senility, and more. Maybe we decide to make a change, and while any time is good and today is better than tomorrow, we all pick tomorrow. We make New Year's Resolutions, but no one ever keeps theirs, do they? Some years I didn't bother. Other years I made grand, life-altering promises, leaps that no human being could make in a single bound.

The key is small steps and measurable progress. It might be easier for me to get into some semblance of physical shape again now that the holidays are over, but the cupboards will be well stocked with snacks for weeks. One night this week I had a slice of chocolate cake, left over from my Aunt's birthday party. Raiding the refrigerator for a late night snack isn't terrible, but at 2 AM I wondered what the hell I was doing even as I kept going. I've done a little bit of exercise this year, but jogging for five minutes means nothing if I inhale cake in the middle of the night.

There are a lot of good things in life I thought I'd never get, and I was surprised when I actually did. A college accepted me? A girl wanted to go out with me? A major company hired me? If I couldn't imagine something in my future, I figured it would never happen. “Never” is a strong word, a self-defeating word. I view my life's milestones as probable or improbable events, yet I'm quick to accept absolutes. I lose before I play. The perfect example was my dread of returning to work in the new year. A lot of people were on vacation, and I was certain I'd face impossible hurdles upon their return. The most challenging of individuals was not only in a great mood, but praised the work I'd done and made minimal changes. I had accepted defeat before I had any reactions, and assumed I'd have a late night ahead of me. Instead I had a productive day and left work at a normal time.

The truth is, life will always throw us things we don't expect. Some are bad, and some are good. If there's one single thing I can work on this year, beyond losing weight or dropping bad habits or any of the other things people try and fail, it's my defeatist attitude. We should be prepared for the worst. We shouldn't expect it. I know my attitude has to change, and if I keep repeating this fact maybe it will finally stick.

When I had homework in school, I thought I'd never finish and was relieved when I did. When I was certain I'd failed a test or a quiz, I'd be pleasantly surprised upon receiving a near perfect score. On some level, it was all psychology, but I'm too old for that now. Stress takes its toll and subtracts from my enjoyment of life. It's selfish, but I need to enjoy my life while I have a few decent decades remaining. This year, my only resolution shall be positive thinking. I need to listen to a different voice in my head:



Thank you, Cajun Rob Schneider. I can do it. And if I can't? **** it.