Semi Serious

America has a portions problem, and I'm an American. Everywhere I go to eat, the average size of a platter is definitely more than I need. If you go to an old enough fast food franchise, you might see the blank line or faded letters where once a “small” beverage resided. Now, there is only medium, and large, and extra large. These sizes correspond to meals, which allow you to increase the amount of accompanying French fries ot obscene proportions. And if that's still not enough, there's usually a value menu of some sort offering little boosts to your meal.

Just as I often order the same foods, I make the same choices in volume. My eyes are metaphorically bigger than my stomach, but sadly not literally. On Friday, I hit a diner type place called Cheeburger Cheeburger. They have custom toppings and you mix and match from a menu as you build your own burger. Sizes range from 5.5 ounces to 20 ounces, an entire pound! McDonald's recently upped their ante, offering a new third pounder since a quarter pounder is no longer enough for our growing nation. A pound is a serious burger before you even factor in bread, cheese, and more.

There's no way I'd subject myself to an entire pound of meat, even for the “fame” of having my photo taken and preserved on their wall. They describe their Classic burger as a “beginner”, which right off the bat challenges me. I feel like the menu is mocking me, that the waitress will snicker when I order such a puny item. I'd be made fun of for other reasons if I went for a larger size too.

They highlight one burger on the menu, The Semi-Serious, and herald it as “Everybody's favorite!” It's effective advertising, direct and to the core of what motivates most of us. We want to fit in and be accepted. If everybody likes a third pound burger, then we'll go with the crowd. I'd been to this place once before with B13, so I knew that the Semi-Serious was more serious than semi, but within my ability to handle. I decided to split a medium platter of fries with my friend this time, forgetting that the last time when I shared small fries, it was still a mountain of potatoes. As for the burger, I didn't feel it would be complete without swiss cheese, honey mustard, and bacon, because why should my cholesterol stay as good as it is?

That's an insane amount of food for the middle of the day. I couldn't possibly be more excessive, could I? I of course did need a beverage, and went for one of their shakes. They don't advertise in small, medium, or large. There's a regular and a half. Well who would only want half of anything? Of course I ordered a regular, with Oreo's naturally. I got a glass with two straws, and a big metal container from which I refilled my cup twice.

The problem is two-fold. On the one hand, we always want more than we need. We're greedy and gluttonous. But at the other end of the spectrum, the marketing plays to these human weaknesses. Eliminating small sizes completely and choosing words carefully makes a big difference. I shouldn't be ashamed of ordering a beginner burger, a “small” platter of fries, and half a shake the next time I go to Cheeburger Cheeburger. I'm healthy now and more overweight than obese. With a few small adjustments to my ordering mentality, I can avoid a semi serious heart condition.