Toiletries

After yesterday's technical woes, I might zig and rant about how I can't function if I unplug from the Matrix. Technology makes our lives better, yet there's as much of an addiction and dependency as with a controlled substance. I spend plenty of time out in nature, but at the end of the day, whether I've been hiking in the woods, hanging out with friends, or sitting in front of a computer at work, I still come home and turn on my machine right away.

I'm going to zag now, and talk about something far simpler than technology, but no less necessary. Janet asked ”What one toiletry item could you never live without and why?”, which is a ridiculous question because if there's only one item then it must be toilet paper. There is no other item more important. The one time I went camping for real in the woods with tents, as opposed to subsequent stays in trailers with full facilities, I managed to go three days without creating the need for toilet paper. There was one bug-infested facility that was too gross to approach, and I wasn't hardcore nature boy enough to contemplate leaves. I think we all know that with me, I would find poison ivy or oak or something to cause a rash. No, a seemingly infinite roll of paper to create layers of safety is a must, and something technology has yet to replace or improve on. I don't want to know what the deal was in Demolition Man with the three shells.

Well, that's probably far too much information. If I could choose two items, then I'd have to choose floss next. There's nothing worse or more embarrassing than going to the dentist for a cleaning after slacking in the flossing department. I always feel like I'm taking a test, too. Things are going good, the scraper isn't finding anything in the front where the toothbrush reaches, and then they find that one spot, maybe on the bottom row behind one of your back teeth. You hear that first ugly sound of the metal, and then the hygienist goes to work like she's excavating some archaeological treasure. After an experience like that, I'll usually floss excessively for the next few days, then taper off to once a day for the next few months, then I might have a month where I get lazy. One day I look at a calendar and realize my next cleaning is coming up in a few weeks. From that point on it's like I'm cramming for a big exam, and flossing resumes. So if there were two toiletries I couldn't live without, it most definitely would be toilet paper and floss.

Now, were I to choose three items, then minty Listerine would join the group. Maybe the strong stuff is killing skin cells along with the germs that cause bad breath, but I like to feel like a product is working, and like exhaling mint for a few hours before burgers or pizza enter the fray. If every toothbrush in the world caught fire tomorrow but I had unlimited floss and mouthwash for those hard to reach places, I think I could get by. So toilet paper, floss, and mouthwash are all essential.

Deodorant is important too, as is a good dandruff shampoo. That brings me to five items. Deodorant is really just a mask though, so I think a bar of soap would rank higher. Toilet paper, floss, mouthwash, soap, deodorant, and shampoo are important in that order. If I were allowed eight items, I'd tack a toothbrush and toothpaste to the list respectively, because floss and mouthwash really shouldn't do the job alone. Some might consider bandages an important item, but I've managed with tape and paper towels whenever I was working, out of bandages, or simply didn't have the time to address a cut properly. In a world without bandages, I could always MacGuyver something.

So in conclusion, toilet paper, floss, mouthwash, soap, deodorant, shampoo, a toothbrush, and toothpaste are the toiletries I can't live without. If I had a ninth wish, it would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace. Actually, nail clippers would be more crucial than that crap about the kids, so let’s make those ninth....