Who Wins?

There's a very important debate going on right now over at Rey's right now, at least if you're as big of a lifeless geek as I am. He has pitted the four main fictitious science fiction universes against each other, and asked the deceptively simple question of “who wins?” Since I've spent the last few hours wrapping presents, and I'm sure everyone else is pretty busy right now as well, I decided to take the idea and run with it, on a much smaller scale. You might disagree with my picks, and I'd love to hear why, but I'm pressing forward with some hypothetical confrontations, and their inevitable outcomes:

1) Sophia Petrillo vs. Marie Barone
In a showdown between Italian sitcom moms, Marie might have a physical advantage over the diminutive Sophia, as well as the ability to shout over her, but in a battle of wits the little Sicilian Golden Girl would keep her cool and shut down her opponent with some sharp observations. Winner: Sophia.

2) King Randor vs. the Burger King
Randor might have been a warrior in his prime, but as a king he let himself go, and couldn't even figure out his own son was He-man. The creepy mascot in the porcelain mask that can sneak up on anyone would totally own him. Winner: Burger King.

3) Gaius Baltar vs. Professor John Frink
Gaius is a genius, with no morals and an egotistical desire to survive at all costs. Whether he's a Cylon or just a human, his mind, cunning, and luck have allowed him to escape the destruction of cities on his home planet, avoid punishment for his role in that destruction, and to hook up with not one but two gorgeous girl robots. His downfall could only come from the most unlikely source, the bumbling Simpsons inventor who in the present day has accidentally created technology far ahead of its time, though rarely under his control. I predict an upset. Winner: Professor Frink.

4) Harry Potter vs. Presto
Harry is going to school to hone his magic, now for nearly seven years. He has a wand, a flying broom, a cloak of invisibility, and peers and professors backing him as he triumphs again and again against the darkest and most horrific forces imaginable. The young D&D wizard that bears a slight resemblance to him(and possibly The Happy Husband) could never predict what would come out of his hat next. Like Frink though, he might conjure a dragon or something else accidentally, making this match hard to predict. Luck would be a very high factor here, but I think even if Presto pulled the five-headed dragon Tiamat from his hat, Harry would find a way to win. Winner: Harry Potter.

5) Rattrap vs. Master Splinter
This is a tough call as well. Splinter is much smaller than the robotic Maximal, but his martial artistry has served him well against larger armed foes before. Rattrap is a master marksman, and has wheels in some incarnations, but I think he might underestimate his opponent and hesitate. In the moment where he could shoot or squish Splinter he'd instead pause to make a wisecrack, and that's when the ninja master would strike with stealth and speed. I'd be rooting for the robot, but as I play this out in my head I don't think my favorite would win here. Winner: Splinter.

6) Hiro Nakamura vs. Illyana Rasputin
Hiro can manipulate time and space to teleport, travel to the past or future, and freeze things around him. In the future, he'll even master a sword. In the present, he's still learning his abilities and doesn't always have control when he attempts a big leap through time. He also doesn't have his sword yet. Illyana meanwhile had a sword and demon armor, and could use the sword to cleave time and space and travel through discs when and where she pleased, with a demonic limbo as an intermediate zone. There was a price to her demon enhanced mutant abilities though, and when she eventually regressed to being a little girl(long story) she would soon succumb to a mutant virus(another long story). I'd have to judge these characters at their prime, and pit the future Hiro against Illyana before she regressed. While Hiro is an idealist and an innocent, Illyana is a corrupted innocent, and each use of her demon sword cost her a piece of her soul. This is yet another tough call, but I'd have to say for now that Hiro would come out on top. Winner: Hiro.

7) John J. Rambo vs. Rocky Balboa
Well, Rocky has a lot of heart and spirit, and he defies the sports world by fighting again and again well past the age of retirement. Rambo on the other hand is a master of armed combat as well as unarmed maneuvers, and has single-handedly toppled nations. Against a guy who could cauterize his own gut wound in the field by filling it with gun powder and setting it on fire, I'm not sure how well even the most spirited boxer would fare. Maybe I should have sent Judge Dredd after the Vietnam veteran instead. Winner: Rambo.

8) Michael Scofield vs. '60s Batman
Michael is focused and determined, and his keen analytical mind can get him out of any tough situation, albeit with some compromises and ad libbing when things don't go according to plan. Batman is equally driven, but his television incarnation had a few advantages. Not only did he have a utility belt that had a weapon, device, or spray for nearly any situation, but his enemies would often give a speech then leave him alone and unsupervised to escape, something Michael's enemies never do. Batman could get out of any jam within 22 minutes, but it could take a whole season for Michael to make a successful Prison Break. Winner: Batman.

9) Abu vs. Apu
That monkey from Aladdin is crafty, and has eluded authorities while robbing markets in Arab nations. I'm pretty sure his cartoon speed and agility would serve him well, and he'd take what he wanted and be out of the Kwik-E-Mart before Apu could shout, “Thank you! Come again!” Winner: Abu.

10) Unicron vs. Michael Moore
Honestly, this is no contest; it’s just something I want to see. While one only looks like he devours worlds, the other actually does. Sure, Moore is on our world, so we'd all be in trouble if the planet-eater cast his shadow here. I wouldn't mind seeing Moore become an hors d'oeuvre before the rest of us went, and I figure he'd either satisfy Unicron's appetite or give him such indigestion that he'd do Matrix level damage and destroy the chaos-bringer. Our problems would cancel each other out! Winner: Unicron.

* * * * *

That's all for now! Let me know what you think; maybe we'll see more ultimate showdowns in the future.