Shells

A tall, thin, and extremely caucasian man stood grinning from ear to ear outside his Pizzeria in Ozone Park, New York. The man, one Tony Modica, wore an equally tall, thin and white chef's hat and greeted our approaching band by spinning his large pizza “spatula” and then dancing while making rowing gestures with it. I had no idea what the afternoon would entail, and as we set up in front of his restaurant, a DJ blared several tunes while Mr. Modica grabbed the microphone and made certain everyone on Rockaway Boulevard knew that there would be free food and music for the next three hours. Over the course of the afternoon he would make several requests, as he and his uncle took turns joining us on vocals while we played songs such as ”Can't Help Falling in Love”, ”I've Got You Under My Skin”, and ”Summer Wind”. As I sat in the shadows of the restaurant's front porch, protected by a hat and sunglasses, I marveled at this larger-than-life extrovert. Some of the people who stopped by, genuinely enjoyed his showmanship. Others smirked, but still sidled up for a free slice of pie. For the most part my own expression remained enigmatic, but the corners of my lips fought to climb my face as they'll often do when I'm amused at the stupidity of others. The one thing I realized was that he just didn't seem to care what people thought one way or the other, and a few couples even began dancing in the parking lot. Whenever we took a break, the DJ would take over and when he started playing things like ”YMCA” and ”We Are Family”, a ”Disco Granny” leapt from her seat and grabbed the hands of a few embarrassed small children and began frolicking with wild abandon.

I think the differences between introverts and extroverts are not all that great, and comes down to the volume setting of that voice in our heads that tells us people are watching and speculates what they might be thinking about us. The volume in my head is often deafening, but when I'm playing music I can't hear that voice. It helps to play in a band and find safety in numbers as well, but most people who only know me casually would have a hard time picturing me on the street making a lot of noise. I've had people express surprise at my sense of humor once I've loosened up enough to crack jokes, and those who haven't seen me dance are skeptical that I've ever attempted to do so. Most would think me joking if I said I regularly appeared on a friend's karaoke show on NYC public access television when I was in my mid-20s, or that I found myself in a mosh pit at least once a week back in college. I've leapt around at live shows by Biohazard, Pearl Jam, and even Vanilla Ice when he made his short-lived “comeback” as a Korn-esque rocker. Of course, alcohol is often the key to my extrovert's cage, and I don't often let him out. The thing is, I can remember a time when there was no cage, no inner voice advising me to keep my head down and my mouth shut.

Last night I watched the film Mean Creek, in which a group of kids, including Rory Culkin, Scott Mechlowicz(Euro Trip), and Ryan Kelley(Smallville), decide to teach a bully(Josh Peck) a lesson. Culkin's Sam is picked on by Peck's character, so his older brother and two of his friends formulate a plan of revenge and embarrassment. They invite the bully on a canoe trip along with Culkin and his girlfriend, and it's safe to say their childhood ends by the end of the day. The film didn't pull any punches. You can see why some of these kids act the way they do, whether it's from lack of parental guidance or other psychological issues, but it's truly tragic the way enemies AND friends treat each other. It's truly tragic how REAL the dialogue and behavior are, at times painful to watch. Bullying may come from insecurity, putting others down to make oneself look better, or simply out of pressure to fit in with the group. Kids can only understand so much of this, can recognize the scars only in hindsight. We all go through this, all realize too late to sociological climate of the playground battlefield, and somehow casually brush things aside with trite comments like, “Yeah, kids can be cruel.” I think everyone should be able to identify with at least one of the characters in the film.

We're all veterans of our childhood. Some of us emerge heroes, while others emerge shellshocked or not at all. I can't remember the exact moment I started to withdraw, started to build that cage. I can see the bars sometimes, see what incidents they're made of. Over there, a group of girls wrote me a fake love letter and then stood pointing and giggling. This one down here is the time one guy pinned me while another shoved poisonous berries in my mouth. There's another row for punches to the gut, and one for Indian Rope Burns. Sometimes, I wish I could just break out of this shell, act stupid like the MC we worked for this afternoon, and not be haunted afterwards with thoughts of people's opinions. Sometimes, I can shut out the memories and voices and break free. Sometimes, I can outright soar.

Parents, if your children are picked on, they should understand that it's not their fault. Likely he or she was in the wrong place at the wrong time, only serving as an outlet for a bully's frustrations to be forgotten long after the victim still remembers. There's a good chance it was nothing personal, but a child may not understand that and it may leave permanent damage. If your child is the bully, don't encourage it, and try to find out why he's lashing out at others. Perhaps I’m speaking about things you’re doing already, in which case you rock. If we could crack a few more shells, I think this world would be a far better place.