8.25.2009

A Note to Krispy

Dear Krispy,
I don't really know how to tell you this, but purple hedgehogs want to destroy you. I think I realized it when your dog humped my leg at the mental hospital and I saw you carve your initials into my father. I'm sure high to understand that you need a sex-change. I'm returning your couch cushions to you, but I'll keep your glass eye. You should also know that I mocked you behind your back constantly and you should get that embarrassing rash checked.
Greetings to your frog Leonard,
Michael Wayvid Whorenelli


* * * * *


For those who are certain I've lost my mind, here's the explanation:

Dear [Last person to post a comment],
I don't really know how to tell you this, but (1). I think I realized it (2)(3) and I saw you (4)(5). I'm sure (6) to understand (7). I'm returning your (8) to you, but I'll keep (9). You should also know that I (10) and (11).
(12),
[your name]


(1) What's the color of your shirt?
Blue
: I'm in love with your cat
Red: Our affair is over
White: I'm joining the Convent
Black: Our romance is over
Green: Our socks don't match
Grey: You're a leprechaun
Yellow: I'm selling myself for candy
Pink: Your nostrils are insulting
Brown: The mafia wants you
No shirt: Purple hedgehogs want to destroy you
Other: I dislike your eyelashes

(2) Which is your birth month?
January
: That night you picked your nose
February: When I quoted Forrest Gump
March: When your dwarf bit me
April: When I tripped on peanut butter
May: When I threw up in your sock drawer
June: When you put cuffs on me
July: When I saw the purple monkey
August: When you smacked my ass
September: Last year when you peed your pants
October: When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November: When your dog humped my leg
December: When I finally changed my underwear

(3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos
: In your apartment
Chicken: In your car
Pasta: Outside of your office
Hamburgers: Under the bus
Salad: As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagna: In your closet
Kebab: With Jean Chr├ętien
Fish: In a clown suit
Sandwiches: At the Elton John concert
Pizza: At the mental hospital
Hot dog: Under a street light
Other: With George Bush and Stephen Harper

(4) What's the color of your socks?
Yellow
: Ignore
Red: Put whipped cream on
Black: Hit on
Blue: Knock out
Purple: Pour syrup on
White: Carve your initials into
Grey: Pull the clothes off
Brown: bit of
Orange: Castrate
Pink: Pull the pants off of
Barefoot: Sit on
Other: Drive over

(5) What's the color of your underwear?
Black
: My girlfriend
White: My father
Grey: The Catholic Priest
Brown: The Montreal Canadian's goalie
Purple: My corned beef hash
Red: My knee caps
Blue: My salt-beef bucket
Yellow: My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange: My Blink 182 CD
Pink: Your My Little Pony collection
Other: The elephant in the corner

(6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill
: Senile
Heroes: Frostbitten
Lost: High
The Simpsons: Cowardly
The news: Scarred
American Idol: Masochistic
Family Guy: Open
Top Model: Middle-class
Grey's Anatomy: shamed

(7) Your mood right now?
Happy
: How awful you are
Sad: How boring you are
Bored: That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry: That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed: That we're related
Excited: That I may pee my pants
Nervous: The Middle East is planning their revenge on you
Worried: That your Ford sucks
Apathetic: That you need a sex-change
Silly: That I'm allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly: That Santa doesn't exist
Ashamed: That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other: That your driving sucks

(8) What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White
: Your toe ring
Yellow: Your love letters to me
Red: The pictures from Vegas
Black: Your pet rock
Blue: The couch cushions
Green: Your car
Orange: Your false teeth
Brown: Your nose hair clippers
Grey: Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple: Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink: The cut toenails
Other: Your Hannah Montana underwear

(9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B
: My virginity
C/D: Your photo with the mustache drawn on it
E/F: Your neighbors dog
G/H: The oil tank from your car
I/J: Your left ear
K/L: The results of that blood-sample
M/N: Your glass eye
O/P: My common sense
Q/R: Your mom
S/T: Your collection of butterflies
U/V: Your criminal record
W/X: Your suicide note
Y/Z: Your credit cards

(10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B
: Love your sweet, sweet ass
C/D: Always will remember the pep talks
E/F: Never will forget that night
G/H: Will not tell the authorities that you stole the whale from the backyard.
I/J: Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L: Hate your cooking
M/N: Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P: Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R: Always wanted to break your legs
S/T: Get sick when I think of your feet
U/V: Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X: Haven't showered in a month
Y/Z: am better off without you

(11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine
: Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink: I'm off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda: I will haunt you when I'm reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk: The apartment building is on fire
Water: I'm scratching my butt as you read this
Cider: I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice: You ruined my attempts at another world war
Mineral/Vitamin water: You should get that embarrassing rash checked
Hot chocolate: Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey: I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer: Thanks for the Cocaine
Other: you should stop picking your nose

(12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand
: Warm tingly sensations
Australia: Best of luck on the sex change
France: Love always
Spain: With tears of sadness
China: You make me sick
Germany: Please don't hurt me
Japan: Go milk a cow
Greece: Your everlasting enemy
USA: Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt: Kiss my butt
England: Go drown yourself


Why not try this for yourselves? The combinations are nigh infinite!

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1 Comments:

Anonymous Krispy said...

I read this with panic the first time, thinking "WHY DID HE BRING UP THE SEX CHANGE??!!?"

And then I calmed down when I saw that it was a meme. Whew! I thought you'd let the cat out of the bag for a minute.

Uhh ... you're the only person who sees these comments, right?

8/25/2009 1:47 AM  

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