Cloakfest 2K6: P's & Q's

”What've ya been doing this, like six, seven years?”

So came an inquiry at lunch today from my friend B13, the first of many questions today's post shall address. In truth, the Nexus took shape as a blog two years ago today, after I decided to follow in the footsteps of the GeekFriends™: Curt, Rey, and Jerry. The first post had bounced around in my brain for days before I committed myself. I decided to use three initials I had inherited in a message board based RPG, my only prior experience writing anything online. In truth, outside of school assignments, I wasn't much of a writer. Two of the pioneers in my circle of blogging coworkers were professionals, and one had an (unpublished) fantasy novel under his belt. All three were more literate, though I could cite specific issue numbers of comic books with ease at the time. If you asked me two years ago if I'd still be doing this today, if I'd think of something to write about consistently on a daily basis, I think I would have given myself a month at the most. Only three people read what I wrote, and they hardly commented. It took a while for this thing to get moving, and I think it still struggles sometimes, but for all my doubts I sometimes surprise myself with perseverance.

We can't always tell what the future will hold. In the last few days, North Korea has tested a nuke and a Yankee pitcher crashed a plane into the side of a building in Manhattan. And yet, I asked my readers to tell me what they expect in the next year. Thankfully, at a time when the world has grown a little darker, they came through with some lighthearted predictions as well.

”Otis”:
1) I predict that Darrell at Southcon will somehow accidentally delete his and Wendy's blogs again.

2) I predict that the keytar will become vogue again in the music scene. Lets face it, the '80s are back. All the new clothes I see in the stores are either rugbys or ultra bright colors. They say that eventually everything comes back into style. I got a fever, and the only prescription is for more keytar.

3) I predict that Gary Coleman willl release a sex tape. Also, anyone reading this will be so curious that they will watch it but never admit to it.


Scott:
1) Jesus will not come back.

2) President Bush will stay in office.

3) Gas prices will come back down to about $1.50.

4) I will actually finish a novel length project.

5) The Internet will disintegrate under its own weight of bad homemade videos and boring blogs.

6) The Internet will rise again from its ashes in a way we can't anticipate, but that will be totally righteous, awesome, and ninja-tacular.

7) I will continue to be silly.


Kev Bayer
1)MCF will come up with a new method of driving comments to his blog that blows away the Blog Party and the M.C.F.A.T.


Darrell:
1) I predict that a number of things will happen to a number of people. Some of these things, or "events," will be good. Some will be bad. Others will be just, like, whatever.

2) I predict that the other two guys in The Goo Goo Dolls will leave the band and that Johnny Rzeznik will then change his name to "The Goo Goo Doll." I predict that he'll have his biggest hit ever with a power ballad called "Power Ballad." I believe that the success of the song will prompt a law suit by Staind.

3) I predict that Britney Spears will pose nude for the cover of her new album, "Pendulous."

4) I predict that at some point in the coming year we will run out of cheese and have to go buy more.

5) I predict that in 2007, Robert Altman will make a movie based on the last unfilmed comic book, "Archie." I predict that Altman will die in late 2006, and will therefore have to direct the film from his casket, which will be wheeled around the set on a dollie by a group of assistant directors. I predict that the movie will star Helen Mirren as Betty, Dame Judi Dench as Veronica, Eminem as Archie, and an entirely CGI Jughead. The movie will be seven hours long. I predict that Roger Ebert will give the movie nine out of four possible stars, and that when he reviews the movie on television he'll collapse in the floor, rub himself through his clothing, and simply moan Altman's name over and over again.

6) I predict that Jimmy will crack corn. I'm fairly ambivalent about this prediction.

7) I predict that Tara Reid will have her breasts surgically removed and reattached to her forehead. Upon release of the press photos, horrified movie fans around the world will respond "Tara who?"

9) I predict that Hardees will market a four pound hamburger called "The Arrogant Bastard." The burger will be available in a combo with a shoebox full of french fries and three liters of Coke. I predict that I'll average two of these combos per week.

10) I predict that ”Otis” is gay.

11) I predict that Lions Gate Films will re-release the movie "Saw 2" in theaters, but with the new name "Saw 4." I predict that Saw fans will see the movie again and never know the difference.


MCF:
1) Spider-man 3 and Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End will be my favorite movies, and will not be disputed by any of my friends. When I'm pleasantly surprised by Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, I'll be in a bit more of the minority.

2) Something horrible and unlikely will befall me, but I'll survive to write a really engaging post about it.

3) Evangeline Lilly will leave her hobbit for Rowan Atkinson, and I'll wax eloquent about missing my window because of the improbability of not traveling in the same social circles as her.

4) I'll finally buy a house.

5) I'll post a minimum of 365 times.

6) The CW will decide to renew Eight is Enough for a new season. They will also acquire The Nine and air both shows on Sunday nights along with 7th Heaven. They will air them in numerical order starting at the unfortunate time of 8 PM, missing a great marketing opportunity. None of the shows will survive the season, and the network will instead air back to back episodes of the surprise hit sitcom, “Everybody Hates Crispin Glover”.

7) I'll finally get a girlfriend, and scare her off after I can't stop raving about the new live action Transformers movie.

* * *

Wow, those were some chilling visions of the future. Let's meet back here next year at this time, and see how accurate we were. Moving on from P's to Q's, it's now time for me to answer your questions. I got a lot of great ones, fourteen to be exact, and it was tough to narrow them down to five. Maybe I'll save some of these for the future, though. Granted, there are some exceptions like “Why is 'Otis' so gay?”(from some anonymous applicant) which I cannot address, but most of questions do inspire concrete answers.

Questions from Darrell:
If a man speaks in the forest and there's no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
I'm single, I've never been married, and I absolutely know the answer to this question is YES. Silence is golden, and you should speak only when spoken to, without hesitation if asked: “Does this buffet I've ordered make me look fat?” Besides, I spent a lot of time in the forest, and I know you never, ever want to speak and give your location away to wild animals or aliens and, if married, to women.

How is it that they can put a man on the moon but they still can't come out with a cold and flu remedy that gives me the same powers as Spider-man?
You're preaching to the choir, man. I've often though the same thing, pretty much verbatim. Fortunately I don't have the same limitations as the ubiquitous “they”, at least not digitally:

Hey, fair is fair.

Question from Kev Bayer:
Assume you have superpowers. You use them for good—but you aren't "public" about it. You don't show off, you don't wear a costume. It's just MCF in the background doing good. Would you, MCF, give up your superpowers to be with the woman of your dreams?
I edited Kev's question down because the full version was a little long. The scenario he posits is that I have the option of retroactively altering time so that I never had these powers in the first place. They kept me from the woman I loved, and while I could be with her in the new reality, all the good I'd done with my powers would be undone. I think that's too high a price to pay for my own happiness, and contrary to the sacrifices God expects of us. In general, I gravitate toward angst in heroes, perhaps because I'm more familiar with it. When a Smallville episode ended with a montage of three happy couples, then cut to the hero sitting alone in his barn, it had more emotional impact than happier endings. And no, Jerry, this isn't much of a spoiler. Getting back to the question, I have a strong romanticized notion about heroes and self-sacrifice, and I like the idea that the woman I love would be among all the people I saved, even if I couldn't be with her. As long as she was alive and happy, it would make me feel good.

Question from the wife of 'Otis':
Do you have webbed feet?
I wish! I'm not a solid swimmer, even though I had lessons at the beach one Summer as a kid, and lessons in my high school. It was mandatory to pass gym, and somehow I eked by in a life jacket. There are many things about me that are freakish, from my scarred lip to my mismatched thumbs to my huge ears to my excess of body hair, but webbed feet isn't one of them. I wouldn't mind adding another imperfection to the list though, especially if it proved beneficial and made me a better swimmer instead of a 194 pound rock. I wonder if that was the power Kev Bayer posited. I could do a lot of good with webbed feet, but they would keep me from the woman of my dreams.

Question from 'Otis':
When you were growing up, did you keep a journal? Most of your stories are about your childhood and seem to capture all the emotions(and pain) you felt and all the details that happened back then. I myself have a terrible memory and I was wondering if you were able to look back at your life through a journal.
This is an excellent question. For one semester in college, I had an English professor who required his students to keep a daily log and turn it in at the end of the week. Mostly I wrote about the stories we were reading in class, occasionally blending in observations about life as I do here. I didn't think they were anything special, and probably indecipherable with my lousy handwriting. I was surprised at the end of the semester when he stopped me in the hall and told me to contact him if I ever needed a recommendation for a writing job. Sometimes I wish I had pursued writing instead of art, but other than an elective course here and there it wasn't a skill I exercised.

That three month log is the closest thing to a journal I can think of. I'm glad that I now have the ability to look back at my life through this blog, especially as my memory gets only worse. All those stories from my childhood are drawn directly from my brain, from days when I had a better memory. Though I never kept a written journal, even as a small child I would spent time each night as I fell asleep reviewing my life, the way a television show might begin with scenes from previous episodes. I guess the exercise burned a lot of memories in place for the long term. Adult brains have a lot more clutter, and we have a lot more to keep track of. I don't have the luxury of lying in bed thinking any more.

The great thing about this blog is how it sometimes helps me focus, and push through the clutter. I like the idea of uploading a backup copy of my memories as well. I predict that if I get amnesia next year, this site will unquestioningly be a valuable resource in recovering my lost memories.

This concludes Cloakfest 2K6, and my third “season” has officially begun. Stick around to see if Kev's prediction comes true. Thanks for reading!