Greener Grass & Suicidal Flowers

As I mowed the lawn Monday evening, I noticed some of my mom's flowers had bent at their stems and were stretched out across the lawn. I carefully stood them up and tucked them behind some of the other stalks, so I didn't mow them when I did the edging. As I continued in my task, I realized that this seems to happen every year. It's like the flowers, tired of living, lay their necks out in the path of the mower. Maybe this is why none of us are immortal; we'd eventually grow bored with our existence.

I had taken one of my trademark days off to wander through the wilderness rather than stagnate in a cubicle. Between musical gigs this weekend, and some serious hiking yesterday, I've definitely broken up the monotony of sitting in front of a computer. Of course there will be photos and possibly some videos tomorrow. And of course, venturing in to nature merits crouching over my keyboard at the end of the day. I always think about something FawnDoo said when he started blogging, that perhaps writing would motivate him to have a more interesting life. When I take days off here and there, I see how other people live. While beaches and parks during the work day attract the elderly or parents with small children, there will also be the occasional electrician or landscaper’s truck, some blue collar laborer taking a few minutes before returning to work. I drove through a lot of nice neighborhoods where land was being scaped, and past a lot of new construction. I caught a whiff of sawdust at a traffic light, and I thought how great it must be to do real, physical labor. In Staten Island at the feast on Sunday, I saw a neighborhood transformed since I was there last year, lots of property with fresh sod, and new light brick houses with slate steps and stained oak doors with tinted windows. I started thinking about my “job”, how I complain about the volume of “work” I have yet all I do is sit in the same chair and click things around with my mouse. I dreamed of toting bricks and sawing through lumber, of being creative yet getting exercise while working with my hands.

I think when we yearn for something different, when things seem better, we're actually bored. Boredom can lead to selective memory. I miss being tan and 150 pounds like I was the Summer I worked as a gas station attendant back in college. I forget that I didn't have benefits, only made five dollars an hour, and was often berated by my co-worker. Some nights I had to work a shift until midnight, and while the Summer days were scorching, the nights could be damn cold, especially as I continued working into the Fall before quitting due to conflicts with my pep band schedule. Back then, I couldn't wait to graduate and dreamed of air conditioning and water coolers. I knew once I was in an office, I’d be set for life.

Before I graduated college, all the work I did was physical. I did yard work for my music teacher and for an elderly woman around the block. I played in parades. I was a house painter. I ran from car to car at a busy gas station. I hated being outdoors, hated the heat, and didn't even like playing sports when my friends would force me too. I always wanted to be indoors in front of a fan playing video games. Now, when I have time off, my room seems oddly tiny and I feel claustrophobic, and I ride off somewhere, anywhere to get out. My mom wanted me to take pictures in the yard again, of some baby squirrels and some new blooms, but I couldn't be bothered as I raced to leave. Later on, after a day of hiking when I returned refreshed, I took the photo she wanted of the bushes in the driveway, and I mowed the lawn. The lawn could have waited another week but next weekend is going to be very busy, and I found I actually wanted more exercise.

It's human nature not to be satisfied, to want whatever we don't have. If I'm outdoors all the time, I want to be indoors. If I'm indoors, I can't wait to be outdoors. Perspective changes depending upon where we're sitting. It's not necessarily a bad thing, though. Endurance is important as is focus, but dreams keep us going. As long as we want something else, we're less likely to stick our neck out for any lawnmower and instead reach for the sun, if but for a few hours.