7.21.2005

The A.T.C.T.

After tonight's post, there's a possibility that I may lose some readers.

I've thought that before, and I've been wrong every time. When I wrote about Google™-ing information about my (now married) ex-girlfriend, I was certain my female readers would decry me as a stalker and flee in terror. Instead I only found support. When I wrote about my Catholicism, I thought that would not be received well by some. It's never been easy to be a person of faith at any time in history, and people are especially apprehensive given the actions some people have used their religions to justify. It hurts to be called a “quack” or a “religious nut” or any other derogatory comment, and to see the good aspects of faith lumped in with the bad. That particular post didn't result in any such comments as I feared, however. And when I dabbled in fiction and wrote a really twisted story, my readers not only didn't run, but one even gave me a trophy. There's a good chance I'm wrong once more about the reactions that may result from tonight's post, but then abortion is a somewhat more volatile subject than I normally delve into on this site.

This isn't going to be a political or religious rant. I'm not a woman. I don't have any children and I'm not married yet. I'm a Catholic. Already, I'm on shaky ground to speak on this matter. I'm not going to condemn people I disagree with, and while it would be nice if teenagers possessed the same restraint as my parents' generation and those before them, it's sadly no longer realistic. Of my friends, I only know of two guys for sure who had the strength to wait until marriage. I'm certainly not proud of my own failings in that area, and I'd be a hypocrite to condemn anyone else for being human and giving in to their desires. I do think that teenagers should not be having sex, and if they aren't mature enough to take precautions, then they're in over their heads already. Unfortunately, teenage irresponsibility isn't the only source of unwanted pregnancy, which makes the issue even more complicated. For a better debate of both sides of the issue, with both sides wavering between rational and heated due to the nature of the topic, I suggest you read here and here. I stood on the edge of that pool many times in the last few weeks, weighing whether or not to dive in. I ultimately decided not to splash around and make things worse, but here in my own pond I've decided to share one of my patented meandering MCF tales.

Having a child is something of a paradox. It seems so easy for a couple to get in “trouble”, yet there are many risks and complications for those who set out to intentionally procreate. Whether you're religious or not, our very existence IS miraculous. There are so many factors against the successful fertilization of an egg and growth of a healthy child, yet we've been reproducing and multiplying long before medicine advanced to the point it's at now. My own parents had their share of difficulty conceiving, for various reasons. An asthmatic, my mother's always been in fragile health, and I have many scary childhood memories of going with her to the emergency room during bad attacks. Once when my dad was at work and she had to rush to the hospital, I came out of school to find she had called the police to pick me up in her absence and bring me to her.

I don't know if age was a factor in their problems as well. My dad was 39 and my mom was 30 when they got married, and it is true that the risks increase with age. And of course, the medical advancements that exist today were not around when they were trying over thirty years ago. They lost a baby on more than one occasion, and my mom went through two stillbirths, both daughters. 30 years and 8 months ago, they finally had a son, their only child.

When we went to the cemetery to see my grandparents and various other relatives, there was always one plot of land in the back corner we would stop at. It was different from the rest. There were no markers or tombstones of any kind, yet people would come and leave flowers on the ground. Were my parents religious nuts for visiting the ground in which their daughters and the lost children of others were buried, or grieving individuals dealing with real, genuine loss? Their pain was real. My older sisters, no matter how short their lives, were real. It's easy to refer to unborn children at various stages of development in clinical terms, but to the mother who loves the life growing inside her, that uninterrupted and uncomplicated will continue to grow and develop, that life isn't anything else but Her Baby. I used to feel bad when I'd act up as a kid. Too late I'd see the toll it took on my mother, and I felt nothing but guilty over the fact that they tried unsuccessfully so many times and when they finally did have a child, they got ME. My mom may have even said as much in a moment of anger once when I was particularly misbehaving, but I can't recall exactly what was said.

School was rough. In first or second grade I would occasionally talk about my sisters, and the kids who knew I was an only child called me a liar. Telling them I did have sisters and they were in heaven was only met with more scorn and mockery. And so, they joined the list of things I never should have let other kids rob from me. I stopped talking about them. Of course, the kids found other things to make fun of. I've been called plenty of names in my day. Spock. Mickey Mouse. Troll. Tattoo. Eddie Munster. Dumbo. Dopey. And countless others. While I'm among the first to admit that I've never exactly been easy on the eyes, some of these names were harsh and unfounded. None of these names, however, compare to this one:

”The Abortion That Came Through.”

I'd never heard something so harsh, and it's all the more sickening looking back to realize this was coming from THIRD GRADERS. Did their parents speak of such things? Older siblings? The very fact that they knew of it was bad enough, but the implication that I shouldn't exist, that I was some thing that should not be was devastating. I never told my parents, but I asked some of my friends to explain and when I was a little older did some reading of my own on the subject. I was perhaps in seventh grade by the time biology class offered disturbing, graphic images. The phrase meanwhile faded from memory, until I was in high school. My parents pulled me out of public school and sent me to a Catholic high school thinking it would be “better”. I never disabused them of the notion that kids there would be better. It meant nothing. Parents never fully know everything their kids know and do, no matter how involved they are.

Looking back, I think the most interesting thing about the nickname is the “Came Through” part. Third graders understood what abortion was, that it meant that an individual's existence would cease. They also understood that, undeterred, a baby would emerge and grow and go to school and eventually be standing on the playground dealing with their crap. Despite this and every other hardship I've survived in my life, I honestly believe that I'm still better off than my sisters. I don't know why they died. Parents lose children all the time, it's hard to imagine anyone not wanting their child to live. I hope to someday have a wife and child or two of my own.

If you've read this much, whatever your opinions of me now may be, I thank you.

6 Comments:

Blogger Jerry Novick said...

::standing ovation::

7/22/2005 2:08 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Thank you for sharing this. So much going on in my head after reading it that I'm not quite sure what to say, but I'll echo the standing ovation above.

7/22/2005 2:43 AM  
Blogger Kelly said...

That was a very strong post. I too applaud you, especially for being able to express your opinion so well. I get so heated about this matter that I rarely sound rational.

7/22/2005 4:54 AM  
Blogger Jerry Novick said...

MCF - Remove this if you think it's inappropriate or changes the tone of what you're accomplishing here.

I wanted to say something about the medical science/procedure of abortion, and how it relates to the "Came Through" part of that horrible nickname.

As you wrote, "Looking back, I think the most interesting thing about the nickname is the “Came Through” part. Third graders understood what abortion was, that it meant that an individual's existence would cease. They also understood that, undeterred, a baby would emerge and grow and go to school and eventually be standing on the playground dealing with their crap.

And yes, you are correct, it does point to the third graders having some sort of rudimentary understanding that an abortion is the cessation of life, a life that would otherwise grow.

But it also reveals a complete blindness to or lack of knowledge of how an abortion is performed.

A standard abortion (babies under 3 months of development) is performed by eviscerating the child in the mother's womb. In other words - it would have been impossible after the procedure for the baby to "come through."

A partial birth abortion is performed by bringing an unborn child that could potentially survive outside the mother's body (with proper care) and puncturing its skull. In other words - they came through and had any chance of survival destroyed.

In any case, without this medical knowledge, it was still the height of cruelty for them to have called you that. And with the knowledge that we as adults have, it's a blight on the soul of anybody who allows the practice of abortion to continue.

7/22/2005 12:23 PM  
Blogger Darrell said...

Hey, I want to echo the applause above, and also echo Jerry's suggestion that you delete my comment if you feel that it's inappropriate for the tone you want to maintain with this post. If you delete this comment, I promise you, I'll understand and I'll have no hard feelings whatsoever. What you've written is very personal and remarkably brave, and if you feel that the meandering opinion I'll express below takes the conversation in a direction you didn't intend, please delete it with my full support.

You wrote: Third graders understood what abortion was, that it meant that an individual's existence would cease.

That sentence jumped out at me, like it did Jerry. I read between the lines there and find something that seems very basic to me; that children realize that an unborn child is, in fact, a person.

That's basic. That's fundamental. It's simple fact.

I believe that those who approve of abortion have to first lie to themselves and come to believe their own lie. That lie being, of course, that abortion is not killing a person.

I believe that, at heart, it's an issue of accountability. People simply don't want to hold themselves accountable for their actions anymore. Sex was never intended to be a mindless recreation. Sex was designed for the purpose of producing a baby. It's physically enjoyable aspects are taken too lightly by too many of us, I think. The physical pleasure of sex is not supposed to be it's main goal and result. It is a joy that is inherently intimate, and the physical element is intended to enhance and extend the unique personal relationship between a man and a woman who are in love and want to have a family together.

I'm not saying that I've always realized that, that I've always been sexually guiltless. My opinion isn't intended to present myself as a saint, but rather to indicate that sex should be held as a sacred act. I don't want to imply that I've always realized that, but now that I do, it would be foolish to pretend that it's anything else.

At heart, abortion is a matter of accountability. People want to have the physical sex without bearing the responsibility that accompanies it. That's a shame. It cheapens sex, it cheapens life, and I do believe that it plays a major role in the weakening of our cultural character.

It is no coincidence that so many women who've had abortions make the best, most passionate pro-lifers now. I can't imagine going through a more painful "wake-up call." They've experienced the pain and the heartache first hand, and they want to help preserve others from it. Those women break my heart, and I admire them more than I can say.

Again, great post. Thanks for having the guts to write so personally. This is a good example of why your blog is a daily read for me.

7/22/2005 1:53 PM  
Blogger kevbayer said...

Wow.
Great post on the part of MCF, and great responses too.
I second Darrell - this is why I read MCF.

7/23/2005 2:01 PM  

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