I Need To Know

1) It's 2008, and I still don't know how to refer to this decade. The decades I grew up in had easy designations: the ‘70s, ‘80s, and ‘90s. Now it's been eight years, and I'm no closer to having an easy way to refer to this decade. Maybe we need to go old school, and call it the “aughts”. That's probably what they called the early 1900s. Or maybe they just called it the “early 1900s”. The “teen” decade will be equally challenging, but once we reach the ‘20s, it should be easier. Or will it? How will we distinguish it from the 1920s, the roaring ‘20s? Maybe “Roaring ‘20s” is enough of a distinction? I need to know.

2) Are there exercises one can do to reduce chin fat? In some ways, a gut is easier to dispense with. Diet, exercise, and abdominal exercises can help one achieve a reduced girth, if not a six pack then at the very least a “don't lap”. Now, I'm not in double chin territory yet, but I have noticed in recent photos that there's a little extra skin hanging under my definitive chin line. It could just be the angle I'm leaning when I look into my camera, or it could be that every hair follicle that gets sucked into my forehead turns into fat cells and pops out under my jaw. I hate aging. Do I need to walk with my head held high to reduce the appearance of that extra skin? Will that just make me look like I have more forehead? WIll I end up walking in to things? I need to know.

3) Is Jason Lee going to sound like Earl Hickey for the rest of his career? I watched Underdog on Saturday, and for a family movie adapting a '60s cartoon, it was fairly enjoyable. However, and I wouldn't even say this is a criticism, but at times I felt like I was watching an episode of Earl when Lee was narrating. I kept expecting him to start a sentence with “Karma...” or “Me and Randy...”. I don't remember that raspy twang to his voice in early Kevin Smith movies, but maybe I'm just used to hearing him every Thursday and his voice is associated with that character because of my perception. Do I need to rewatch Mallrats to be certain? I need to know.

4) Is there a napkin shortage in this country? I'm used to the crappy Subway near my job and their absurd single napkin policy. There are no dispensers anywhere in the restaurant, and only at the register does a cashier put a single napkin in the plastic bag with your sandwich. The last time I was there I asked for more napkins. “Oh...” he said, clearly off put, “Of course...sir.” He then grabbed a handful of tiny generic store bought napkins and threw them in with the single napkin bearing their logo. When I was walking out of a bagel store/deli a few days later, I checked the bag and saw no napkins. I looked around the store for a dispenser, and finally had to ask the woman behind the counter. “Oh...I didn't put any in the bag?” she asked. Finally, when I treated myself to Quizno's on Saturday evening, I grabbed a straw and a lid for my drink, then reached for napkins without looking, only to find an empty alcove where a dispenser once sat. I checked my bag and saw the cashier had already put about 3 or 4 napkins, more generous and practical than Subway, but was surprised there were no stations in the store where a customer could get his or her own napkins. Is there a shortage? Do too many people “stock up”? Will fast food chains soon adopt similar paper saving policies? I need to know.

5) Did the last of the great Saturday morning cartoons, The Spectacular Spider-Man, manage to work in a sexual joke for the parents this week? When Peter Parker has to run off in the middle of his high school prom to take care of The Green Goblin, his new friend and date Mary Jane Watson doesn't let it get her down. She tells him to hurry back and that she'll save the last dance for him. The popular kids try to make fun of her for being ditched by “puny Parker,” but she decides to ignore them and ask Robbie Robertson's son Randy to dance instead. “Randy, is it?” she asks, taking his arm. “Very” is what his reply sounded like to me as he escorted her on to the dance floor. Am I reading too much into that? I need to know.

6) Is anyone still reading this? I need to know.